Friday, July 18, 2008

All sorts of things that shouldn't be publicly discussed

Bras. I HATE THEM. I actually don't hate wearing them like some ladies do, but FINDING one that is inexpensive and DOES THE JOB is out of the question. "They" say that 80% of women wear the wrong size bra. I've never been professionally measured, because the shops that really know what they are doing sell bras for like $75 bucks or something. For a piece of underwear. I know...I know... I should just GET SOME and forget about the $14.99 jobbies at Wal Mart, right?

I am large breasted. Some of it is natural, and some is because of the weight I've gained over the years. I think it's safe to say, though, for my overall stature (which is small boned, but now fat), I've always had big ones. Bra needed but refused by the 5th grade. Still refused in the 6th grade, where my graduation picture has me and my NIPPLES in all their glory showing through my tube top know, the ones with a tube top over the chest, spaghetti straps that tied at the shoulders and draped below the boobs---this one was blue. It may or may not have had some type of floral pattern. When my mom told me my nipples showed, I scoffed. I thought she meant they were showing in the POINTY...I'M CHILLY sense of the word. She fussed and fussed and I fussed right back like a pre-teen should and REFUSED to wear a strapless bra. He...Hehehehehe....the joke was on ME. After I graduated from high school, my mom gave me a photo album of 'ME'..and there was a Kodak Moment. Me and my areolas for the world (and my 6th grade class) to see.

In high school, boys always looked at my chest instead of my face (and hey---I think I have pretty nice eyes). I was a tiny TINY thing back then----wearing a 'C' cup, weight 100 lbs when I graduated. But being tiny didn't mean I fit in. I was very curvy, whereas alot of my friends were slender EVERYWHERE. I had rounder hips and rear, a very small waist (23 inches at one time, I will braggingly share), and the TA TA'S.

But now that I have the teenage boys all slobbery...we'll move on 25 years. Obesity and boobs are a rough thing. They are gargantuan and pendulous........not pretty. They sadly gaze at the floor. So I need a bra that lets them stand PROUD AND TALL. They just don't exist. Some spandex and a wire just don't hold these (or lots of others) puppies up. You see all the boobs sadly dragging EVERYWHERE you go......the grocery store or wal mart. Boobs are suffering NATIONWIDE.

Is anyone out there of the larger set like me and can tell me where to get a COMFORTABLE bra that does what it should? I'll even leave pretty out of the requirements. I'll wear the biggest, baddest one out there if it makes them perky under my clothes. And the straps don't dig 1 1/2 inches into my shoulders.

I bought 2 at Wal mart--one I kept, and one is going back. The one I kept does an OKAY job, but it's torture to wear. I just changed into what I call my 'loosy goosy' one that is comfy and soft. I'll have all the people at the farmer's market looking my way wondering what in the world gravity has done to me.

Kristen talked very openly today about how toilet paper should be hung on the roll. I'm an UNDER girl, whereas most women are OVER. I thought I was an Over girl until I met Mr. Perfectly and he insisted we leave it UNDER. I let him have his way (that once), and to this day nearly 21 years later, our paper hangs under.

We have to buy cheap TP, because our plumbing can't handle the elite stuff. It doesn't break down in the pipes and we have to call the plumber and it's usually on a SUNDAY, when they charge triple their already outrageous prices. So we buy the best cheap stuff we can. And slowly, all of our stores are not carrying it. I'll have to impose on all of my internet friends to ship me SOFT-N-GENTLE when our stores completely stop. Hy vee is the only place left that carries it! YIKES!

Feet. I'm not really skeeved by my own feet, but I am sort of ambivalent about others' feet. But what do you do when you realize that your feet STINK at work? Shlepping around in the same cork soled sandals I always a co-worker leaned over to tell me something, I realized.....ewwww...something is NOT RIGHT. In closed shoes one can spray stuff or leave odor balls in them all night. How does one eliminate stinky from SANDALS??? And don't all you prissy 'perfect' types think to yourselves (*snorting*) "my feet or OTHER body parts NEVER smell badly. I'm always roses and sunshine". Cause that's CRAP.

And speaking of smelly....why is it alright for guys to fart, but if girls let one go (either accidentally or on purpose) it's taboo? I saw Dr. Oz on Oprah once, and this lady hadn't passed gas in front of her husband in the over 20 years they'd been married. He said it isn't harmful to the body, but it may be uncomfortable for the lady. Oz said no matter what, she'd just let it all out at night when she was sleeping. So, really.....what has this lady accomplished? Not gassing it up around hubby and thinking she's all prim and proper while unbeknownst to HER she's letting them ALL NIGHT LONG....and under the cover farts are the WORST.

We took a cave tour with my kids and extended family when my baby was about 2. He's now 15. He farted very loudly in the cave---so you have the ECHO....ECHO of the fart. Then this little baby voice pipes up and says " 'SCUSE ME!!!!". Again echo....echo...echo.....everyone thought he was ADORABLE. But if Big Aunt Bertha did the same thing....everyone would be horrified and talk about it for the next 11 Thanksgivings. So what gives?

Ok, I'm out for now. Gotta go get stuff for grilling tonight. Fresh hamburgers, brats and grilled veggies. YUMMY!!

Oh, I made a home-made mojito with the Mint I'm growing. It was fine, but not as spectacular as I was hoping. I'll have to perfect it. Any good tips and recipes?

It's FRIDAY!!!!!!! My FAVORITE DAY!!!!!


Tawny said...

Hi - I cam across you blog ages ago and am totally addicted.

So I just wanted to drop a notes and identify myself and give you a bra tip.

I buy my bras through Lane Bryant the store not catalog - they are made by Cacique and they are fabulous. Most of the time I hit them up when they are having a buy one get one sale and they end up being 12dollars a piece. Happy hunting.

Perfectly Shelly said...

Hi Tawny!!!! I'm glad to meet you!! Our Lane Bryant closed years ago, but there's one at the Lake of the Ozarks, so I'll have to check it out!! I'm ALWAYS in search of PERFECTION!

I'm so excited you commented. I love to 'INTERMEET' people...hahaha.

Whiskeymarie said...

I get amazingly stinky feet from my kitchen clogs at work. Like, death-stink.
I spray my shoes with Lysol when I take them off and make sure they can air out (in the porch, never the house) overnight. I also keep baby wipes at my desk and "swab off" as needed. You can wipe the inside/underside of your sandal straps with them too- the high alcohol content usually kills the stinky stuff.

Oh, and? I never, ever, ever, fart in front of my husband. But I'm pretty sure I fart in my sleep. Sexy.

stoogepie said...

Hi Shelly!

I loved this post to death. To death!

Okay, so I really don't know a thing about bras except that I like the ones that look good and then I like to see the ones that look good come off. But, you know, boobs are pretty awesome no matter what, so I forget about whether the bra looked good once it comes off.

Well, I hope that was helpful.

Anyways, I am totally an "over" person when it comes to TP and I have been for a long time. But, to be honest, I could snap and change in an instant. I'm crazy like that. Today, I'm "over." Tomorrow, I'm "under." Wild, I know.

Also, regarding TP, I am totally into the kind with the aloe vera on it. It's all I use. Because why just wipe your butthole when you can also lube it up at the same time? Huh?

A little while ago I was in Puerto Rico and wound up at this very hot woman's house, which was a really nice condo right by the beach. And she had that flimsy, superthin TP in her bathroom. It did nothing good for my impression of her. Why would she have a great house but buy that crappy TP? Or was she so cheap that she stole her TP from the Port Authority? Also, women who think to lube up their buttholes at every opportunity imaginable really do get high fives from me. So, anyways, TP matter.

My feet or other body parts never smell badly. I'm always roses and sunshine. Oh, wait, I wasn't supposed to write that.

Here is a cure for smelly shoes that works for me: spray sandals with Febreze or that knock-off stuff (it's all the same), put your wet stinky sandals in a paper bag, sprinkle carper freshener in the paper bag, leave overnight. By the morning, your sandals should smell like citrus magic or tropical rain or whatever. The other good thing about this system is that, if you can take your sandals off at work, you can do it at work. However, if some people bring their lunches to work in paper bags, you should put your paper bag somewhere unlikely to lead to confusion. Trust me on this one.

I could talk about farting for two hours, but you really don't want for me to. I will say this: all of us have plenty on our minds. We should not be focused on trying to hold in farts. Oh, it's okay to wait until you are off the elevator or, if you're an astronaut, until you take off that spacesuit, but you should focus your energy on things besides holding farts in. Think about it: if you could give your heart surgeon one piece of advice before he puts you under, you would say, "Doctor, when you have my chest cavity open and are wiping up the insides of my arteries with a toothbrush, if you feel like you have to fart, just let it out. Don't focus on squeezing your butt cheeks together for an hour while you use an exacto knife to cut me to pieces." Okay, I'll stop. But, ladies, go ahead and fart. Let it all out.

Oops. I think that last sentence brings us back to boobs. Oh well, they have kind of been on my mind this whole time.

stoogepie said...

Also, hi tawny!!

I'm glad to meet you, too!!

And doesn't Shelly rock?

Dingo said...

Shelly, I have stinky feet. Very stinky feet. I have shoes that even Dingo Girl will not go near. But you know what's so odd? My running shoes do not smell. Not at all. Maybe it's because I've been able to outrun the stink or something.

TP definitely goes OVER!! You will need to rect-ify your UNDER obsession before I come visit (hee, hee "rect-ify").

Perfectly Shelly said...

Stoogie....awww...I've been telling Mr. Perfectly that 'I ROCK' all weekend!!!!

Dingo: If you really come visit, I'll change the tp just for you. Oh, and run?? What's that?

Tawny said...

Shelly does rock - or else I would not read her blog like I do....hahahahaha.