Friday, January 29, 2010


I was quite the naïve child. I didn’t know that THEN, of course, but looking back, I totally was. My parents did a pretty good job raising me. My father was far too strict with some things, but he was doing what he thought was right at the time. He tells me now that he can see how he was too hard on me. But that’s ANOTHER therapy session.

Growing up, I do not recall my parents being politically outspoken, religiously outspoken or prejudiced. I grew up thinking the world was totally cool, totally normal everywhere. I remember when I was in the 4th grade and asking my mother what an abortion was. Funny, I don’t remember the conversation, but it was in the news ALL THE TIME, so I asked. I may have to ask her if she remembers her answer to me.

Anyway, in the 4th grade, I had a slumber party for my birthday…..what, probably 10 in 4th grade? I had several classmates over, including my friend Lavania. Lavania always ran her hand from the top of my head to my middle back…over my hair…..ALWAYS commenting on how soft it was. I would barely run a brush through the mop of hair…I didn’t care about hair…….I didn’t understand why she thought it was interesting. But as long as we were friends, I didn’t care if she liked my hair……or touched my hair…..I just liked being with her.

Anyway, my grandparents were also at my house for a visit at my birthday. They helped mom corral us little squealing girls. At some point I opened presents, and we were going to change into our jammies. Lavania forgot her jammies, so I gave her my brand new nightgown. Right out of the plastic……..I had other jammies, since this was my house, so who CARED if she wore my new ones? I certainly didn’t!!

Lavania’s mom drove by and brought her daughter her own jammies. We immediately changed, and I took my new gown from her and put IT on, and she put her own on……..we were cool….a bunch of squealy girls in our jammies.

Apparently, my grandmother was not as excited. You see, Lavania was black. Apparently my grandma had a real problem with me putting on the same gown that she’d just taken off………I didn’t know this until years later. My mom handled it. I didn’t even know my grandparents were PREJUDICED until I was in college and got to hear my grandpa spout off about the how the world was crumbling due to all the crime caused by blacks.

I argued and argued and argued with him…..thinking he’d CERTAINLY begin to understand my position. Finally Mr. P…who was my ‘boyfriend’ at the time made me realize that all the arguing in the world would never change my grandparents view. Never. I was crushed.

Now, I adore my grandparents. They are still living…grandpa will be 92 next week and he’s quite a pistol. To this day, I’ve never been brave enough to try to bring up race with them again.

My dad is politically conservative……and somewhat homophobic and a tiny bit racist. I was FLOORED when I was old enough to realize it. My mother is very religious. Who knew?

I am not religious, I am more liberal in my politics, I am not prejudiced ( I hope), and I am not homophobic. I think my parents did a MARVELOUS job of managing to keep me out of the fray of politics and religion. Letting me make up my OWN mind about things. And accepting me and loving me despite my adult disagreements with some of their ways of life.

I don’t know if me being naïve was a product of parenting, or just my nature, and I didn’t see what was right in front of me. Either way, neither of them forced their ‘will’ onto me and I am forever grateful to them for that.
I hate that my grandparents are racist. But I love them, so that is a part of them I have to accept, despite my complete offense to that mindset. I have no idea how I grew up as closely with them and didn’t realize it until college.

My mom told me the story about Lavania, and it broke my heart. It still does. Why in the world should it matter if two little girls share a nightgown? We weren’t dirty, we weren’t infected with chicken pox, and little girls share clothing, hair accessories and the like ALL THE TIME. I can’t imagine why in the world anyone would think it was wrong to switch jammies. It’s heartbreaking.

I thank my mom in my head all the time for not allowing that negativity to seep into my party. We didn’t know there was any dissent in the family…and I forever appreciate that. And my naivety continued on into my adulthood. I didn’t realize the ‘hair’ issue between African American and Caucasian individuals…………now I know that Lavania really did like my hair, and probably wished hers was more like it. I don’t remember for sure, but I imagine probably wishing my hair could be put up in some braids and left ALONE………I didn’t want to mess with long hair………ugh…… as an adult, I see there was a lot more too it.

So, internet, take some time to look around you and appreciate others for who they are. Let your kids find their OWN way in the political/racial world, and leave the negativity out of your teachings………I am so happy my own parents did.

And, Lavania? I think of you all the time, and wonder who you are today, and if you have kids, a husband, a wife…….where you work………I just wish you knew how much of an impact you had on my life.

Happy Friday, everyone!!

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

The Hamster Wheel

I have anxiety issues. Self diagnosed, of course, but that’s what I’ve decided it is.

Years ago, I worried constantly. About everything. I considered every scenario, and what I would do to combat the ‘worst’ case. I thought, and thought, and thought about things in my life. Some major, some not so much. I drove my family and friends nuts sometimes with my insane worrying.

I don’t know what happened, but I got over some of that. I didn’t completely, but I lead a much calmer existence, and let the chips fall where they may. Most of the time. And when I DO ‘worry’ it usually IS not as extreme as it was one time in my life.

Until this weekend. My brain has kicked into overdrive, and I’m making up for lost worry time! I am anxious, nervous, antsy and want to RUN!!! Run where? I don’t know, just run. Home, I guess, Where I feel secure. I can worry and pace and make lists and fret and all the other ridiculous stuff I do in private. With warm fuzzy dogs and a cat to alleviate my stress level. I know it’s stupid. The anxiety doesn’t go away just because I run from work, or wherever I may be. I waste time, and stare at the television like a useless fool, then regret taking my leave time from work because I’m worried about stuff I CANNOT CONTROL.

It’s a vicious cycle…….like a hamster wheel…..squeaky, squeaky in my brain. I HATE IT. I want to be like my dad (well, not all the way like him,,,,). Seemingly calm, able to make firm decisions, able to STICK to his decisions, doesn’t’ seem to let the what ‘everyone else’ thinks bother him.

Instead I’m a hand wringing, hamster wheel brained person who feels lost.

Now with all the whining said, not a thing I am anxious about is bad!! THAT’S THE THING. It’s a potential change in the way things are in my life, but NOT BAD THINGS………it could be construed as GOOD, even!! But it’s all up in the air, nothing is definite, nothing is settled and the first stages of talking has just begun. So, this isn’t even anything I know FOR SURE!! Which makes the hamster wheel all the more frustrating.

I should save that worry energy for if or when things DO change!!

Yes, I know I’m being all cryptic and non-revealing. I have to be. This involves other people outside my immediate family, therefore, I can’t say. Not that anyone that reads this blog knows me, but JUST IN CASE. I did learn that cautionary sense from my dad. And my husband. The two most conservative people on the PLANET. Unlike me who would love to be a bohemian princess……peasant clothes, poetry and free living would be my choice!! How I was borne to, then married the conservative ones is BEYOND me……..Although, they are pretty nice to have around .

So, internet. My worry wart is BACK in full force. I hate this part of me the most. That and fear of what ‘everyone else’ thinks of me and my life. If I could get a permanent grip on these negative traits, I think I would have a great life.

They say duct tape works on warts….I wonder if I ensconced myself in duct tape, if that would work!!

Well, kids….I’m off to hop back on the wheel.

Toodles for now.

Friday, January 22, 2010

Slamma Jamma Parking Wars

So, I’ve said before that parking at work for me is an issue. There are several parking lots that are free for employees and the public, BUT, they are further from the building. My DELICATE sensibilities don’t LIKE walking further than I need to. Especially in the cold, rain, snow or extreme heat.

So, I often scrounge for quarters to pay a meter that is quite close to the building entrance. I don’t LIKE to pay money to park, when there are free spots, but remember, my DELICATE SENSIBILITIES!!!

We had a bitterly cold snap a couple of weeks ago. Stop. It does TOO get bitterly cold here. It was hovering at ZERO degrees. I know that some of you live in places like MINNESOTA and shit like that where zero is balmy, but this is Missouri. Middle of the road……we don’t often HAVE bitterly cold temperatures. Anyway, during this time, I found a parking meter that is JAMMED. Yeah, Baby!! No quarters coming from my pocket!

I have smugly been parking there for a couple of weeks now. Happy as a clam to take FULL advantage of the meter being jammed. Then, earlier this week, an INTERLOPER was in my spot. A white car with TINTED WINDOWS!! There were all sorts of empty spots around it! I was IMMEDIATELY suspicious, but simultaneously hoping that it was merely a coincidence.

The following day, I pulled in, and my spot was there. EMPTY….waiting for me to park there. Like an old friend. I took the spot. As I was gathering my crap, the white, window tinted car abruptly pulled in right next to me. Paid the meter and walked into the building. I knew that we had a competition!!

Yesterday, I conned Mr. P into making my coffee, so I could leave the house those few precious minutes early to CLAIM MY PARKING SPOT. And Damn if white tinted windows wasn’t there already.

It was ON!!

This morning, I got up, rushed to get ready, asked for coffee help again and raced from the house. I sped (just a little) to work so I could be VICTORIOUS!! I pulled into the row of metered parking and that little devil inside of me began to chuckle…IT WAS OPEN….THE JAMMED METER SPOT WAS MMMIIIINNNEEEE!!!! Buahahahahahaha!

I sat and waited to see if white tinted windows showed up. And she certainly did. The evil laughter of VICTORY bubbled up from my chest!! Then, she pulled into the metered spot directly in front of me. And this BADASS, oldschool, Margaret Cho looking person got out of the car and strolled to the passenger side of her vehicle with a cigarette dangling from her lips. DAMN….this girl could KICK my pansy ass!! I busied myself looking in my purse, grabbing my stuff trying to not draw attention!!

She toughly walked up to HER meter…..casually glanced at it, and walked away. Not paying for the spot!! I hurried out of my car and tried to be all cool and casual, and looked at THAT meter…..son of a bitch…it was jammed too! I didn’t have such a coup!! I wasn’t VICTORIOUS!!

According to Jakki, there are several meters that are jammed up, or at least on occasion are jammed up. People apparently KNOW about this, and scour the meters to find those that aren’t working correctly. And I thought I had found SUCH a secret gem.

What is REALLY sick about this whole thing is that I work flex hours. I come in at 7am. I get off at 3:30 pm. We were told several months ago that in order to KEEP the privilege of flex hours we had to be at our desks WORKING at 7, not walking in the door at 7. Well, true to my nature, I often walk in the door at 7.

The threat of discipline on the JOB didn’t make me rush out of my house any quicker, but a damn parking spot did. I really, REALLY like to win……and this was a competition….one that I would CONQUER…AND WIN!!!

Now, I will have to go down and scour early one morning to see which meters are jammed and make notes of their numbers. So I can continue to be victorious in my poor little crazy mind.

Happy Friday!!

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

A Shameless letter to the Ellen show

So, I just composed a generic message to the Ellen DeGeneres show via their website. A shameless, SHAMELESS request to see her show with son #2. Of course, on their dime....which is what makes the request utterly SHAMELESS.

She's on a quest for World Domination...I'm on a quest to see/meet/mingle with Ellen and my kid (and Portia......son #2 has heard she's HOT)...who adores her as well.

Not much to ask of her, now is it? (hangs her head in SHAME).

Oh, I may 'SORT OF' mentioned this little blog here and invited her to read it. You know how that day you have fives of readers, and suddenly you are up to SIX!! woo hoo!! Anyway, in case she or her staff reads this, I figured I'd better mention my shameless request to her. You know, so as not to appear TOTALLY rude.

Oh!! I totally forgot to tell Ellen in my e-mail.....we've adopted our dogs and cat (sort of.....that's a different story)! That makes me have something in common with her!

Well, what did your Tuesday bring? Mine was back to work after the long LAZY weekend. Other than that, it has been pretty quiet. A chat with Teenie, which was fun, and writing this blog. It was a quiet day, which was nice. It actually went by quite quickly......again NICE!!

Well, I really don't have any new news.........

Toodles for now!

Monday, January 18, 2010

Mocha Latte

Mr. P. is painting the interior of our house. We've lived here for 18 years, and have never painted. We (traslates into he) painted the bedrooms when we moved. We painted our Foyer several years ago, and we painted our kitchen. But the main living area is just dirty white. Blech.

We have been experimenting with color. We had one disaster, and the rest is all okay. We've been shopping in the 'oops' paint sections of Lowe's and Wal Mart. We call it 'oops' paint, but it's just paint the people have purchased that they dont' like or that the store mistinted, or the people that ordered it had no clue what color was on that tiny little swatch that they took home. The oops paint is so much less expensive. And since we are on a budget, and since we needed something to be done with the paint, we decided to not be picky.

It started with an oatmeal color that we bought for $5.22 for a gallon. We painted our stairwell/entry area. It turned out pretty good. The paint really freshened up the area. Then he painted a couple of small walls in the basement. This took alot of paint because it is a paneled basement, and that dry paneling sucks up the paint. We found some olive green for $5 a can, too! We bought both gallons of it. What a mistake that was. It was a flat paint, and it looked like an olive colored chalkboard! It was bad. Luckily we'd only invested $10 in the paint. He used it as a primer on that dry paneling. We went out searching again, and found some deep rust colored paint. I was leery. After the green fiasco, I was worried about any color that was bright, dark or 'different'. It turned out really nice. The basement paneled walls took it well and it's quite pretty next to the tan we used on the first couple of walls down there.

We bought a 5 gallon bucket of 'oops' paint. It was probably bought by a contractor or homeowner, and they ended up not liking it. It's kind of a hot chocolate color. Mocha.......Latte....whatever. It's dark, but SO MUCH BETTER than the dirt that was up on the walls.....SO MUCH BETTER. So bit by bit....wall by wall.....he's been working on painting. Suddenly it looks like a house who's owners have a modicum of taste.

Decorating is not in my genes. I must have been distracted by something shiny when that was being handed out.

In other news, we are having ham 'n' beans for dinner. We had a Ham bone in the freezer, and some ham pieces frozen, so we've now made it into ham and beans. I'll make tex mex cornbread to eat with it. Yummy. YUMMY.

We are off work today, and it's a been a LAZY, nice 3 day weekend.

Toodles for now!!

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

I need a Will for my inner Grace!!

So, what do I come home to? Ellen has BETTE MIDLER on her show today!! SQUEEE!!! B.E.T.T.E. M.I.D.L.E.R!!!!

I would SO be the perfect BFF for a gay guy or two! BETTE MIDLER!! I could tear up about now.

I'm defrosting chicken, which requires several trips to the Microwave to turn the defrosting meat so it doesn't begin to cook. So, I decided to pause Ellen, and take care of the chicken, so I can feed my family tonight and blog to you guys about BETTE MIDLER!!

I must confess....I missed out on some of the great Bette years. I was a young girl when 'The Rose' came out......I saw previews and thought Bette was a druggie girl who sang ballads. I wasn't impressed.

Then as I got older, and watched her in 'Beaches', I totally girl crushed on her. What a VOICE!! I begin to cry at the SAME PLACE in that movie and don't stop until it's been over for a while. Therefore, I can't watch it anymore.

I really, REALLY have an aversion to movies that make me cry. Me and Mr. P went through a rough patch in the mid 90's, and I resolved to not let him see me get I avoided any and all tv, movies and commercials that could make an easily weepy Perfectly cry. For whatever reason, even though things are great on the home front, I still keep that little shield around my heart.

I got into trouble one time when I watched 'Stepmom'. Yeah. Nobody told me it wasn't a light comedy about how two women have to learn to interact after divorce and when the husband begins a new relationship.

NOBODY TOLD ME IT WAS SAD. I remember sitting in my living room SOBBING behind a kitchen towel, while my boys and husband watched. Wary and confused. OMG...I learned my lesson there, Internet......I haven't gotten caught YET unawares in a movie/tvshow/commercial.

Except sometimes Extreme Home makeovers and stuff.

So, Beaches is now on the banned list, but when I see it's on tv...I watch parts that I know aren't sad, and I never, EVER watch the last 20-30 minutes. ever.

That, people is how I fell in love with Bette Midler.

So, when I hit the DVR record button today so Son #2 could have his Ellen to watch, I saw who was on and was all like..."SQUEEEEEEE". Mildy teary eyed, because the THOUGHT of Bette Midler brings up Beaches, which is sad.......anyway........I sat down to watch without my kid.

Then the chicken called, and I knew I had to put SOME effort towards a meal so I'm blathering to you WAITING FOR THE CHICKEN to thaw so I can Cajun Inject it and bake it up for dinner.

Ok, oven is pre-heating, and I'm ready for Ellen.

Hey.......I mean no disrespect when I say I love the Gays........a gay friend would be just the coolest! Maybe he'd even take me to see Bette Midler or Kathy Griffen!!

Toodles for now.......

Monday, January 11, 2010

Reality Blues

Well, I didn’t win anything on Ellen’s Christmas giveaways. That makes me sad.

I see these shows…..and all these terribly deserving, totally humble people are given prizes, cash and brand new houses. They all give TOTALLY of themselves and take nothing.

Well, what about me? Are there giveaways for really nice people? People who really don’t have a REASON per se for their house falling down, or being behind in bills? Maybe except poor money management? Do you think the producer’s at Ellen would UNDERSTAND? And see fit to fly me and Son #2 to her show? Because we are nice….and he’s really funny…and he’s really cute. Maybe he could be a famous teen star someday or something.

Anyway—I feel so selfish for wanting these things to trickle down my way….but I don’t have a ‘story’. Don’t get me wrong………really, I’m glad I don’t have a ‘story’. I am very grateful my life has been relatively free of tragedy…..I mean I’ve had a major tragedy in my life….but nothing like some people are facing. So, I’m grateful. But I still want my house to be nicer, and my furniture better, and to have money in the bank so I didn’t always WORRY.

Is that so wrong? Ellen….if you are out there……I still adore you….even though I didn’t win any of your Christmas giveaways. And even though I haven’t gotten a car full of cash…..I still totally record your show, so my son and I can sit together and crack up and watch your show. It provides a nice bonding hour for us. He is cute….all curly blonde hair and blue eyes……….so if you see fit….we still want to wrangle a seat at one of your shows………..oh, and his buddies all think Porche is ‘HOT’ so it would be cool for him to meet her too……so he can go back with pictures or something and show his friends.

Otherwise he’ll have to settle for a pair of Ellen underwear.

And Extreme Home Makeovers? I like my house………but an addition would be GREAT…..and some siding or paint and a new porch. That’s all. I don’t need a BRAND NEW house….just a few upgrades.

So, if Ty Pennington reads this……give me a shout out……..I’ll give you my address and we can go from there!

Hey, guys---thanks for taking notice!! Hopefully your bosses will see that I’m totally fun….and have a cute son…….making me eligible for SOMETHING!!


Friday, January 8, 2010

It’s been a Xanax week, y’all

Hey. I really, really work on being upbeat…..and non-judgmental…….and all the other pc stuff that I totally agree with. Unless I’m blue and anxious….then all the UGLY comes to the surface.

Like earlier this week. I was minding my own business when met in the elevator corridor area by a woman who works in another department. She seems quite nice. But her personal style is, well…..let’s say eclectic.

It was bitterly cold and snow was predicted. She had on a tank top. Not a young, perky-breast tank top, but an embroidered at the scooped neck grandma tank top…that’s loose. It was burgundy. She had on Burgundy knit pants, carefully tucked into her WINTER SNOW BOOTS. Oh, she also wears a Bluetooth headset in each ear, and sings in the bathroom stalls. Even if there is an audience.

Why? Why do seemingly nice people need to wear their quirks on the outside? It makes it so easy to be all judg-ey and stuff. People should keep their quirks carefully hidden, and once you’ve got a friend snagged, THEN reveal your passion for bathroom singing……..or for knowing that the reason rescued dogs eat their own poop is because they were probably puppy mill dogs, and that was the only way to keep his or her cage clean…………

Whip those nuggets of crazy out AFTER you’ve garnered someone’s trust!

And what about those people who talk on the PHONE in the bathroom. There is a gal that works here in the bldg. that has lengthy conversations whilst on the pot. We are all flushing and washing and chatting in the echo-ey bathroom, and she still talks away! WHY???

We’ve all got some of the crazy coursing through our veins---BUT HIDE IT….at least for a while. Until people are OBLIGATED to like you---crazy and all!!

Oh, and you want to hear of my OTHER holiday related faux pas? In addition to our Secret Santa, we also have a ‘larger’ group gift exchange and we gather for food and gift exchanges. WE draw names and the limit is $15. I drew the name of the person I was to buy for, and obsessively studied her ‘wish’ list, posted on the break room wall. I thought it was kind of weird that I kept going back to the list….I’m pretty quick, and pretty good at remembering stuff…..I THOUGHT.

So I bought the scented candle and scented lotion she wanted…..wrapped it all purty and brought it to the party. It was my turn to present my gift, and I gave it to the gal I’d chosen. Quickly my co-worker hissed at me “I drew her name…..”. With a moment of awkwardness, we told the gift recipient to HOLD UP…and we went and looked at our names we’d drawn. HAHAHA…the joke is on PERFECTLY this time. I drew another person’s name. yep……somehow I got it in my pea brain that I’d drawn one person’s name when I’d actually drawn another. The person I’d really drawn didn’t have lotion or candles on her wish list.

So, I went in and snagged the gift from the wrong person, gave it to the right person……..we didn’t even explain……and my gal got stuff she didn’t want. Sure hope she’s not allergic to Bath and Body works or something.

What stupid stuff did Y’ALL do over the holidays?

Tell me……let me feel not so stupid for my wrong email recipient and wrong gift recipient antics in December.

Toodles for now!!

Sunday, January 3, 2010

You want I should bring you some SOUP??

Yes, fan's I am BACK. I've been totally unmotivated, and feeling un-blog worthy. But my buddy Stoogie noticed my absence, therefore, I thought I'd better get back into the game.....

So......How was your Christmas? New Years? Good? Good. Back to me.

So, a couple of weeks ago Teenie had a DOOZIE of a cold. Probably something more vicious than a cold, because she was really sick. I berated her for being at work (she has work ethic), and then proceeded to send her this really funny e-mail. One that may have offended many of our went something like this:

******Yo! You want I should bring you some SOUP? (that was my attempt at being tough Italian....or is it Jewish?).

I seriously will bring you some semi-homemade soup if you so desire. I deliver!! NO Charge!!****

Can you figure out the punchline here? Huh? Can you?

You guessed it. I sent it from my work e-mail. I sent it to some Insurance Agent out there in the world that I'd been working with----yes....I DID!!!

I noticed where Teenie's name would normally have pre populated, it was instead pre-populated by someone else in my address book that had the same first letters of her name.........and just as my little finger hit SENT...I noticed immediately it wasn't Teenie....but random Insurance Agent.

Holy Jobs, Batman.....what do I do now? I immediately hit the 'recall' button from my e-mail provider, but when did further checking, realized that the recipient had to have Outlook, too....which he did the recall failed. I in the meantime sent an apology e-mail AND made an apology phone call (leaving a message) and HOPED that he didn't see fit to call the Governor or something about how State Workers abuse their time and resources.

In the meantime ALSO hoping he wasn't Italian OR Jewish, or easily offended.

Luckily, over Christmas, I got a funny reply from him saying that he'd had a really bad day, and I made him laugh....and that he may take me up on the offer of soup someday.

Whew.....that's a relief. I'd recently helped him out, so I was hoping that would overshadow the faux pas I made. But, DAMMIT....Now I may be delivering soup to St. Louis sometime!!!

But that aside, my days have been uneventful. Christmas was nice...quiet, but very nice. I've been keeping up with a few of my fave blogs.........

Oh...I got a comment from an 'anonymous' on one of my blogs. I am leery of them because they are often spam...but this one said: "Your blog keeps getting better and better! Your older articles are not as good as newer ones you have a lot more creativity and originality now keep it up! "

That and Stoogie looking far and wide for me made me jump up and want to blog again.

So, peeps...keep reading...and KEEP COMMENTING......

Toodles for now!