Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Dancing with the Perfectly's


Mr. Perfectly won Stoogie's NUDE MILF contest. No, I'm not the MILF, Crissy is.....but Mr. Perfectly won!!!

I am so excited. He won PHOTOSHOP! I can be SKINNY and PERKY again!! Or Vixen like......or WHATEVER I WANT TO BE!!

I've taken Crissy's thought about being fair into a great deal of consideration. Mr. Perfectly may not be ready to wow you all with his NEKKIDNESS yet. He called me as he was leaving work, though, and said he was walking to his car naked to see how it felt.

Crissy and Stoogie apparently had some legendary phone sex (sorry mom.....don't read this one) during or after choosing Mr. Perfectly and Melissa Lion (she won the camcorder for Pimping Stoogie's contest) as winners.

I'm not sure how phone sex works.....can someone explain? I mean "what are you wearing" or "Are your toenails painted?" just somehow doesn't replace the whole person to person FEEL of stuff, you know? I mean what does the GIRL say? "What's Mr. Wiggly doing now???" I'm a bit confused. The whole sex movie, toy, product industry sort of leaves me befuddled.

One time, many years ago Jakki and another friend of ours, and I went to an 'adult' shop. Our friend was standing there stroking this pretty pretty hair thing....we wondered what it was....our friend wondered out loud if maybe it was a (*whisper*) WHIP? It was a buttplug, with a horsey tail. Now seriously. This thing was really big......what is the POINT? I didn't think the goal was to get things all stretchy.......AND what in the world would be appealing about an individual, with a horsey tail IN THEIR BUTT?

See, one time, I had a hemorrhoid removed. It was the most humiliating experience of my entire life. Really. And I've had my fair share. I'll share with you so grab a glass of wine, and know that this honest to god a TRUE story.......

It started innocently enough......I was in the surgeon's office and a nice nurse asked me about the book I was reading. We had a nice discussion about the book. I even thought about coming back to lend it to her after I was through.......then another nurse comes in and starts preparing a few items.

THEN THE DOCTOR COMES IN. I was still dressed, holding my purse and book. He instructed me to 'drop my pants'. Uh--huh!! In front of everyone. I set my purse and book on the exam table, and very reluctantly dropped my jeans. He THEN instructed me to kneel (pants around my ankles) with my KNEES on the footrest of the exam table, and lean my BODY over the end of the exam table. (I'll wait a sec to let you get a visual on that).

Stupid me DID IT. Two nurses and one doctor certainly got to regale THEIR families with a story that night over dinner!!

Oh, it gets worse, Internet. It gets worse. The nice book nurse comes to me and takes TAPE......TTTAAAPPPPPEEE and sticks it onto my ASS. Tape on my ass. She pulls a long piece of it away from the roll and sticks the OTHER end of the tape to my hip. She does the same thing with the other ass cheek. SHE WAS TAPING MY ASS APART...........HEAR THAT PEOPLE? TAPING MY ASS APART!!!!!! WITH ME DRAPED OVER AN EXAM TABLE...ON MY KNEES!!

As I sat there, with my ass taped apart, and my swollen sphincter for all to see, the Doctor froze the hemorrhoid with that liquid nitrogen stuff and proceeded give me a shot in the frozen hemorrhoid, which hurt like HELL----then cut it off.

He then placed a small cigar shaped piece of cotton up into my butthole, untaped my ass, and let me pull my pants up.

I barely got out of there before I burst into tears. I was mortified, and totally devastated.

I got home and that damn piece of cotton was the worst thing about the recovery part of the situation. I then had to call the damn doctor back to ask if I could take the little plug out so I could SLEEP. I've never had anything so uncomfortable in my life as that little piece of cotton.

So, why in the WORLD would someone want a plastic plug that is larger than a FIST with hair dangling from it in their rear? WHY?

Needless to say, I didn't loan that stupid nurse my book.


stoogepie said...

Well, since you moderate comments, I can't really describe phone sex to you and expect my comment ever to see the light of day, now can I? But pretty much, yeah, you give all the details and say what you would do if you were there in person.

It's kind of like when someone tells you a story and you are there.

Here is a SFW example. You walk into your kitchen and there is a bright, fresh orange on the counter. You pick up a knife and you slice the orange in half. Juice leaks onto the counter with every thrust of the knife, and you see tiny droplets of orange juice hang in the air as you smell that tangy citrus odor. Your hands are sticky from the juice as you continue to slice the delicious orange into bite-sized pieces. Then you take one slice and put it in your mouth. It's as delicious and as juicy as you imagined.

See now, whether you like oranges or not, you could smell and taste the orange. You were there. Now imagine someone telling this to you with your eyes closed.

Congratulations. You just had sex with an orange.

Also, excuse me, but what is not appealing about a woman with a fist-sized buttplug with a horse's tail up her rear?!? If there is a heaven, those buttplugs are standard-issue there. I will admit, though, that I like the buttplugs with the curly little pigtails that stick out of the butthole even better.

By the way, I was turned on by both the story of the buttplug and the awesome hemorrhoid story. Maybe you should call me sometime....

Perfectly Shelly said...


I LOVE oranges!! Of course I'll give you a call...

Just give me your name and number....DONE!!

Your turn on is my worst moment ever......swear to god....true story.

Dingo said...

Oh Shelly, I can just imagine the photoshop fun I coulda had with this story.

Kristen said...

Oh my god you poor woman!

And I really need to go change my underpanties after stoogie's description of oranges...I have one sitting right here and I'm afraid if I eat it I'll...well...embarass myself at work.

Anonymous said...

Stoogie is very very hot. He's yet to give me phone sex, but I could do with some email sex, fo' shizzle.

I was going to say that I get Brazilian waxes and it's A LOT like your experience. In fact, I think it is the very same thing. Except no one is "licensed" to do anything.

Kate said...

Oh Shelly, I'm convinced that the medical community doesn't understand shame. Really. It's horrid.