What I wanted, then didn't.

I went to Cato armed with a pair of much looked for capri leggings. Brown. I envisioned myself looking as cute at the size 8 model did in my tunic/dress/shirt.

I called my BFF Jakki to come with me..to give me HONEST answers. I excitedly went into the dressing room, and pulled out my leggings. The box said they were a large size......so I proceeded to put them on. The box ALSO said 'low rise leggings'. A quite important fact that I didn't understand. I'll get to that in a sec.

I shimmied my way into the coveted brown leggings. I was wearing my standard satiny granny panties...that come up past my belly button. They were blue. I tried to pull these leggings up like panty hose.....and guess what? Low rise means just that....low rise. Low rise against the slick underwear just DIDN'T work But in my ZEAL to look fabulous, I decided I could find other leggings somewhere other than Wal-mart, so I let them fall down UNDER my belly fat roll........and proceeded to put on my VERY CUTE tunic/dress/shirt. I walked with my knees together (so the leggings didn't roll all the way down) to the hanger, and excitedly pulled on the Pièce de résistance.

Teenie and the teenage store clerk were right. Shit. Damn. I looked like an orange tye died kids ball---round in the middle.....and hugging all the WRONG places. My leggings for whatever reason made my legs look even WORSE than they do naked.........how can that be? They were CONTAINING the icky stuff....but....seriously......it was BAAAADDD. Jakki was waiting for me in the store, but I didn't want to even leave the dressing room. I called her in, and bless her heart...she tried to put a positive spin on it..........then she finally realized it was useless......there wasn't much that one COULD say......except "yeah, your legs look really big in those". I mentioned that they ARE big...and she said "no, these make it worse". So I gave up. I unrolled the leggings, shoved them into my purse, and happily put on my shapeless sweats, t-shirt and dirty flip flops.

I totally shy away from 'classic'. I think my style could best be described as "HO-Bag". I just seem to gravitate towards things that just aren't meant for me. A 42 yr old MOTHER that is really heavy. I like bright and fun (translation: Loud). I don't like satiny...or slick....so everything usually clings in not a GOOD WAY.......

This was NOT a case of self deprecation........It was a 'light bulb' moment that maybe I need some intervention.........

What is cute for the 40 and young at heart crowd?

Thanks for the words of encouragement....to get what makes me happy...what I like and to HELL with the 'rules'. hehehehe.....I better find at least a FEW rules...because if I hadn't tried this on, and ended up wearing it OUT.....or lordie.........I'm glad I had enough sense to try it on.

What I wanted

On my quest for something cute to wear on Memorial Day weekend, Teenie and I went shopping. She TOTALLY vetoed my 'shirt' choice. Said it was 'too 70's'. And there was some debate as to whether or not it is a SHIRT or a DRESS.

I love the brown/green/turquoise shirt I bought. I really do, but I still think about THIS all the time. With some dark brown leggings? Or with cute capri jeans like SHE has on? Oh, by the way, it's the orange/multi 'tunic'.

The sales clerk informed me that it looked 'really cute on the hanger', but you have to be like '5'9" or something' to actually pull off the 'look'. I'm only 5'3"---barely......

I need your opinion internet.....shun ALL fashion advice from my BFF and a teenage (okay, maybe 20) store clerk? Or go with my heart and buy a very loud, very ORANGE tunic/dress/shirt with LEGGINGS on my rather ample legs? Short legs.

On another, related note, this model is NOT a plus sized model. It irks me that they use people that are normal sized as a representation of the 'plus size'. It's time to get some real life larger people in these photos. Ones with rolls, and that are truly PLUS sized....that way we can SEE what the clothing looks like on someone other than a perfect size....oh, let's say 8? They need a cross section of those people who are large all over...height, weight, bone structure, and those that are short/heavy/small bone structure (like me).... that way I could SEE what somebody similar to ME looks like in this tunic/dress thingy.

Have a good Wednesday

It's TEENIE'S BIRTHDAY!!! Happy Birthday!

To Tiramisu or not to Tiramisu?

Not to Tiramisu. Seriously.

Tomorrow is Teenie's birthday. HAPPY BIRTHDAY TEENIE!! Based on her recent craving for Tiramisu, that she couldn't find ANYONE serving in town, I filed that information away, and decided to surprise her on her birthday with homemade TIRAMISU. My first inkling that there may be a bump in the road is when I found out that she was taking off work on her birthday. Harruummpphhhh. I doubted she'd want a 9x13 pan of the stuff for herself, so I thought I'd take it to her place of employment and she could share the wealth with her co-workers. So, I changed my plan and decided to really throw her off and take it to her THE DAY BEFORE her birthday......she'd REALLY be surprised!!

I went yesterday to purchase the ingredients for the Tiramisu. I bought bittersweet chocolate, eggs and went on the search for Lady Fingers. Hy-Vee didn't have them, so I went to Schnucks. They are the only place I know of that has Marscapone cheese, as well. Schnucks was OUT of Lady Fingers (but not Marscapone), and the sweet girl in the bakery called Gerbes....of COURSE they had Lady Fingers. I'd been there twice already yesterday, and didn't THINK to look...duhh....so back to Gerbes I went. Bought the lady fingers....OH YEAH....earlier in the day, I went to the coffee shop to get real espresso....since I couldn't find any instant espresso powder. We live in the boonies.......with all the chocolate recipes that have espresso in it you'd THINK you could find it.....but NOOOOOOOO.

Anyway, back to more coherent thinking......I FINALLY gathered my ingredients, came home and had some pizza, and decided to tackle the recipe. I was really leery of the raw egg yolks.....I'm really goofy about chicken and raw eggs. I read several recipes and saw that one recipe beat the egg yolks and sugar over a double boiler.....not PERFECT, but at least somewhat cooked. I got my water simmering, and my metal bowl with the yolks and sugar. I beat the HECK out of it to make it thick and creamy...and managed to spray my whole stove with egg yolk.......**sigh**. I got that done, and while I was waiting for them to cool a bit, I got out the Marscapone cheese, the rum and my handy dandy espresso. I didn't get a full cup as I thought, so Mr. Perfectly made some triple strong coffee to have on hand if I ran out of espresso. I beat the egg mixture, the cheese and the espresso (oh, and I added vanilla), and it looked sort of loose.....not at all THICK......more like a thick pancake batter. So, I stuck it in the fridge while I dealt with the lady fingers.

Oh, the Lady Fingers. If you'll read the recipe, it SAYS not to soak them for more than 5 seconds---or they'd absorb too much liquid. Ok, 5 seconds doesn't seem like a long time, but think of something awkward....oh.....let's say, like being NAKED in front of a woman spray tanning you......NOW how long is 5 seconds? Or farting in front of your boss.....NOW how long is 5 seconds? It's a long freaking time. I thought I'd be efficient and took a whole ROW of Lady Fingers and gently placed them in the espresso/rum concoction. Hoooeeeeeeee.......they were SOGGY immediately. IMMEDIATELY. Oh no, now what? I'm digging soggy lady fingers from the liquid, and thought I'd go to 2 at a time....well THEY soaked up the liquid like NOBODY'S BUSINESS. By the time all the lady fingers were soaked, I'd gone through at least 3x, and maybe 4x the amount of espresso/coffee/rum. Yeah. I made a baby lady finger sandwich for me and Son #2 to try, and can you say BITTER? UGH. I put it all together, with the extra soggy Lady Fingers and put it all in the fridge KNOWING that I couldn't serve this to her and her co-workers.........

So, here is the soggy Tiramisu story. I went in and tried it before blogging so I could have first hand knowledge of what it's like. Parts are NASTY and parts aren't so bad.......I went ahead and kept it thinking I'll pick through it later. I consider myself to be a decent cook.....but apparently my judgement in using over 3x the amount of coffee/rum wasn't such a fabulous idea.

So, now tomorrow's her birthday, and my big surprise ended up being a big bust.

Any ideas of what I could do NOW?

Memorial Day

Well, the spray tan 'fix' wasn't all it cracked up to be. She did fine on my arms, but the legs? Pretty blotchy still. I don't have any 'before' and 'after' photos, so suffice it to say, I won't be spray tanning again....in a booth or by a person.

The person that did my 'correction' spray tan is Son #1's best friends' mother, whom I'd not met before. "Hi, nice to meet you........now I'm getting NAKED so you can spray me." Awkward!! That coupled with my self image issues and gargantuan breasts...well, let's say, any and all small talk was just weird. If I ever see this person in a social situation I'll have to remember her asking me to lift my breasts for a spray.....**yeah**.

We travelled to Bethany (Martinsville, to be exact) Mo to see the grave sites of my Grandma Winnie, that just passed a year ago in January (2007), and my great aunt/uncle. I'm not a fan of grave site visiting. It seems so sad and morbid, but my grandma did it, and this a way to keep our family meeting up. We are very small, and Grandma was our anchor. This is a great way to have the family meet in a central location to have our memories. Luckily, we aren't a weepy bunch. I just wouldn't know how to act if everyone stood around crying. It was a COLD day---so my cute shirt and bermuda-ish shorts (which were at least a size too big) were covered by an UGLY jacket that I threw in the car at the last minute. My cousin's daughter placed flowers at individual grave sites--she's 5 and beautiful. She put a flower in her hair and proceeded to place flowers where she was told to. She placed each stem down into the ground.....it was very sweet.



Here's a large portion of the family:



We all ate at the Toot Toot restaurant in Bethany for lunch--they have a huge buffet available. With good desserts. MMMMMM

The cute cousins were cute as ever. I always enjoy seeing them, although I tend to feel like I chase after them "Oh...Oh....play with me...PLEEEEZZZZEEEE". We went to Kansas City, Kansas to one of their homes and had a surprise birthday party for my Uncle. It was alot of fun, and consisted of Clown Noses and his own 'big boy chair' which he'd apparently requested (his two granddaughters have personalized chairs....now he's got one too....he says they are identical triplets).

It wasn't a very cute day....the wind was high and the humidity was abundant...therefore my curly hair frizzed.....but we took pictures anyway---here's the cute cousins and me...I'm in the middle......



Here we are following Mr. Perfectly's instructions to POSE:



It was an awesome day, and although it began cold and windy, it was GORGEOUS later in the day, so we couldn't have asked for more, I suppose.

How was YOUR holiday? Can't wait to hear what you all did!!

Midlife Crisis

I did it. I went spray tanning. Why, Internet, do I let myself DO THESE THINGS?

After worrying about larger people and spray tans, I jumped in with both feet and went to a salon where PEOPLE don't apply the spray--you just stand in a booth and get sprayed by a shower like machine It didn't work TOO bad, really...I have some orange on my hands and wrists and feet---which in and of itself would be livable....but the fact that I have tanning solution on the front and back of my legs BUT NOT ON THE SIDES seems a bit problematic. I wanted to wear cute bermuda-ish shorts and a fun bohemian top to show up the cute cousins. NOW WHAT?

I'll be calling around to salons to see what the best course of action will be....otherwise, I'll be cute in an undercooked meat sort of way....seared on the top and bottom with the sides left yukky.

Mr. Perfectly WARNED me after the eyebrow incident that maybe I'd want to WAIT until we weren't doing something particularly special to try this venture....I was all "what could it DO?"....a mild spray tan? I went into the room, and applied the 'barrier' cream to my hands and feet..I was totally NAKED and in this booth...I had the foresight to lift up the 'girls' so some spray would get under there (not that anyone sees my belly where my unrestrained boobs lay). I got out and forgot to 'blot' instead of 'wipe' with the minuscule towel I was given......but the girl said it wouldn't matter. I think it may have......

I can't be upset....I knew going into this, that there was a risk of failure, but what is it with the midlife crisis I'm having? I've gotten nails done......eyelashes tinted, brows waxed (then shaved off) and brows fixed....I've had a pedicure.....I want cute shoes......THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME. I've never particularly cared about my appearance. Clean and clothes that match are about all I ever do...I like makeup and use it, but sensible shoes, pants and a matching top have ALWAYS done the job......WHY NOW, AT 42 DO I THINK BOHEMIAN is the way to go? Tanned and bohemian?

Son #1's best friends mother works at a tanning salon. I'll be giving her a call today to find out if we can fix the undercooked sides of my legs, at least. I'll live with the orange on my wrists and the wrinkles in my knuckles being white...I'ts a badge of failure, but DAMMIT..I want to look cute in those shorts and shoes.

**SIGH**

I had a dream last night that Scott Baio was giving me advice on my sex life. Why Scott Baio? Probably because he has a PERPETUAL TAN.........or maybe since Scott Baio is 46 and PREGNANT...and I'm only 42, I feel like he has a leg up on me or something.

I'm open to suggestions. I've already perused the internet to find how to REMOVE spray tans, and apparently it is not that easy. Baking Soda is the most common thing...so I guess I'll go buy an industrial sized box and have at it tonight.

I'll let you know what the tanning salon says, if they don't LAUGH me off the phone.

Toodles for now.

First off, I’d like to thank God. And my parents. And my fabulous children….oh yeah, and Mr. Perfectly.

I HAVE FANS. Yes, I do! Someone out there in the internet world MISSES me. Woo Hoo….it’ll be a 2 GLASS OF WINE night tonight!

I have so much, yet so little to say. So, I’ll get right to it.

Has anyone noticed that ‘peach flavored’ stuff has a cat pee presence to it? Yeah, I’m drinking a peach/mango bottled juice drink, and keep thinking Joe peed on something of mine (I was hoping it was my purse so I could get another).

Yesterday, we went to have brake work done on our vehicle (a 2002 Ford explorer). We took it to a smaller community 15 miles from us. And folks, if you ever need something done go to NATHANS in California, MO. I got the rear brakes replaced, the rotors turned (what the hell are rotors??), an alignment and an oil change…………..all to the tune of……drummroll, please……………..$144.58. I nearly fell out of my chair. Local places start at $110.00 or so per axle for brakes……….. I am so IN LOVE with NATHAN’S, I can’t see straight.

My baby graduates from 8th grade tomorrow. We get to go sit in a HOT gym with 350 pubescent 14 year olds (oh, the sweaty STINK). Half of which are girls in their spring finery---and the boys in their slouchy khaki’s cussing their moms for making them wear a polo…….A really funny story about my baby----yesterday a gal at work was browsing through her niece’s yearbook. My boss was flipping through it and they were laughing at the girl’s remarks left over MANY photos…….lots of them not so nice (Lezbo, run for your life, skank, ) and other things like (Susie’s boyfriend…..bff……REAL BFF, etc) and over my son’s 8th grade photo, in the yearbook was this……”HOT”. So apparently my son is a hottie….this girl isn’t the first stranger I’ve heard thru the grapevine that thinks he’s ‘HOT’

My 17 yr old son is dealing with teenage angst of not getting his way in life JUST BECAUSE. OMG, he’s so much like me it’s scary! He ‘lost’ his track hoodie….and his coach has been on him to bring it in or pay for it…He’s all indignant……and uppity, and feels like coach doesn’t give him ‘credit’…..Sigh…..

We are going for an outing on Saturday---8 people in a van. 8…..I’ll let that all sink in……8. We are driving 3 hours to go grave visiting, see my brother…then drive back to a cousin’s house for a party. It will be a lot of fun, but the old insecurities rear their ugly head…….My cousins are young, and very cute and very perfect---I’m sure that they AREN’T but they seem so………and I feel like the fat outsider that they just tolerate on family events. I end up being all earnest and chatty, and feel like I’m a creepy stalker or something……..eeeeekkkkk. I keep shopping for that ONE cute item that will make me fit in……..and alas, nothing that I buy makes me look like the picture I have of myself in MY HEAD. The one with no imperfections, and that can boldly carry off cute shoes (my fat feet hang off the sides), a large tote/purse with ALL the right stuff tucked inside (not pads, 27 free pens and hand sanitizer), a cute swingy top (that makes me look fat and My ARMS…oh the arms), some cute Bahama type long-ish shorts….(but the pasty white legs…….eeek) HELP ME INTERNET….I do not want to be the elastic jean short…appliqué t-shirt wearing crazy cousin!

Oh and right now, this very moment, I’m eating FUNYUNS. I’ve had coffee, too, so come on over and let me whisper sweet FUNYUNS in your ear…..I should have waited and tortured the parents around me in the smelly gym tomorrow!!

And thanks Kristin for missing me. That makes up for not making out with you in return for my vodka drink recipe!!!

Nature's Calling

Yesterday my family went to eat at the Daily Grind--a local cafe that I've grown to really enjoy. They have awesome macaroni and cheese. Yum...wow. Mr. Perfectly used his skills to photograph and play with the images......they're pretty cool.



He uses something he calls HDR to make the photos look all artsy....I have no clue what it means.

Here's High Street in our city:



And here's some of the family.......I'm in the very far corner......with my hand up to my face, and in light pink stripes......



Then today, I went and spent an obscene amount of money on makeup. Obscene for MY budget that is....I bought 2 Bare Escentuals kits. They were $50 apiece, but I do love it, and it works beautifully.

We also saw an unusual site for Missouri, or what Mr. Perfectly THOUGHT was unusual. Apparently, it isn't all that unusual..Missouri apparently is a state that is home to Bald Eagles. There's a huge nest nearby, and Mr. Perfectly has been wanting to photograph them for a couple of weeks. We drove by and by CHANCE saw an eagle soaring through the air. He'd already found the nest, but saw no activity. This time, we saw BABIES on the edge of the nest. Probably not baby babies, but young eagles that don't fly yet. We tried to figure out who owned the land to get permission to go closer, but had no luck. Mr. Perfectly took these from the road. He wanted me to be certain I explained the distance involved, so you didn't mistake his fuzzy photos for bad photography. He's cropped and enlarged them so the birds are more visable. The first photo you see is the distance...and the huge nest. The others are more cropped in and not as clear due to the pulling in close. Aren't they GORGEOUS and MAGNIFICIENT?