Thursday, December 15, 2011

Advance Apologies

Is it possible to be excited for Christmas, yet at the same time feel blue? I am so sad that I lost my dad, and I'm ticked off that the world just keeps on chugging along and I don't want it to. I WANT everyone to still gather around me and provide support!! However, his loss, while sad just doesn't impact others the way it does those of us that were closest to him. On the other hand, it's a beautiful time of year, my kids are adults and will be fun to hang out with at Christmas. I have a great family and lovely friends. Mr. P and I are exchanging gifts, which we normally don't do, so this year will be especially nice. And especially SAD. How is that even possible?

I have a new job where I make more money!! We got a new car in October!! We were able to afford gifts, and we have a lovely home, utilities are on and a freezer and pantry full of food. What more could I ask for? MY DAD.

Emotions are tricky little suckers. On one hand I am so grateful for what I have, and the people in my life. On the other hand, I'm sad and ticked off that everything won't be the same. Sometimes the contradiction is overwhelming. Why can't things just be simple? I'm impatient and logical (sometimes---even though now it seems like I may be a tad on the 'over the edge' side) and I know that things are what they are and I need to accept them. It's the emotions that kick in and screw it all up. They make grief more pronounced.....they make things like holidays CONFUSING, rather than lovely.....they trick you into going to bed at 8 pm just to turn your mind off!! Emotions SUCK.

Okay, I'm taking a deep breath and trying to move on to other things.

Things like old friends. I got a friend request on facebook from an old friend. Practically ancient now. When I was 14 or so, I 'loved' this guy. But as childhood wanes, so do those old feelings and I'm left with fondness. It makes me happy to know that people I knew all those years ago are still around. That they are still interested in my life, as I am theirs. I love to brag on my marriage and my kids and love to hear about other's lives, families, accomplishments and low times. It's comforting in a way to know that even though there isn't 'love' or
'attraction' or whatever that people still feel connected. Hey, I guess that's what facebook does, right?

My Step-Mom, Pee Pee and I all made cookies this past weekend. OMG, you guys. You wouldn't believe the number of cookies and candies that we made in a matter of 6 or 7 hours. Put 3 people in a kitchen with a stand mixer and we made MAGIC!! It was alot of fun. Now I have a bazillion cookies at my house, and only one son living at home to eat them!!

So, see? Christmas is nice, it is fun and it is exciting! It just stinks that that sadness permeates everything.

That is why you have my apologies. I would imagine I'm going to be stuck on this for a while. Hang with me and I know things will ease a tiny bit.

I have been looking for one of those 'sound machines'. You know...they were all the rage 8 yrs ago or so. It's a little machine that plays nature sounds or white noise. At my job, we've adopted several residents at a nursing home for Christmas, and that is the gift that I need to buy. I've looked at all the usual stores, drug stores and I can't FIND THEM. It's so annoying. However, I keep seeing them on store websites, but they don't appear to be in the stores. I took a chance and purchased one from Wal I chose the pick up in store feature, so we'll see how that goes. They took my money, so let's hope they have them in stock!! It is supposed to be turned in by tomorrow!!

That's about all I've got for now. Hang with me internets!! This grief thing has kicked my ass and you all seem to be the ones I'm talking to.

Toodles for now.

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