Tuesday, April 13, 2010


How do you say “I’m Sorry” to people you don’t know? Son #1 lost two friends to a horrific car accident Sunday night. TWO. BOYS. 19 and 20 yrs of age.

This is the phone call in the night that every person imaginable dreads; but parents especially. Parents worry unendingly about this ‘call’.

I don’t know the families of the boys involved, however, I wish I could just find them and hug them. How tragic to lose your child.

I lost twin daughters in 1989. I was 5 and a half months pregnant when I went into premature labor. I was devastated. D.E.V.A.S.T.A.T.E.D. I didn’t know how I’d ever go on. Someone I worked with told me how sorry they were, but that I should be grateful that I didn’t ‘have’ my twins for long. I was furious. How could anyone make such a COLD-HEARTED remark? Did this woman not UNDERSTAND that I’d just lost my BABIES?

Now I understand. 21 years later, I understand. Losing your babies IS devastating, and it changed who I was! But to bear, raise and love a child for 20 years, then lose them? Unimaginable. The dreaded ‘phone call’. It sends fear down my spine.

I may complain about the trials of parenting, and the antics my kids do and the heartache they cause. But they are alive. They are healthy. They are ABLE to be difficult! They are able to BE whatever they want! For this I am grateful.

One of the boys was a close friend of Son #1. I know he is grieving. As much as it pains me to think of using someone else’s tragedy…..I hope if ANYTHING can come of it, that the kids can see what happened, and LEARN from it. Learn to be a safer driver, etc. That the kids can all see how families and friends are suffering right now. Maybe, if nothing else, those kids will learn.

As a stuffy parent, learning her way back into the teenage world 30 years later………I will say…don’t judge. Don’t roll your eyes at the pierced, tattooed, orange haired teen you pass on the street. This is someone’s CHILD. This may be just a person who loves to express himself!! Don’t judge the ‘nerdy’ kids, or the ‘popular’ kids, or the ‘hick’ kids, or the ‘goth’ kids. They are all just kids. Trying to feel their way through life. A teenager may have it right. Express yourself….let your inner talents FLOW….don’t conform…..stay true to yourself and what you believe. We as adults may learn a lesson from those teens that we shy away from…………….the teens that we sometimes fear. They may actually ‘get’ it in a backwards kind of way. Be loyal to your friends……..live life to the fullest. The sad part, is that these same teens that ‘get it’, don’t ‘get’ the fact that there are CONSEQUENCES.

Ah, consequences. Isn’t that why as adults we become stuffy? We know if we pierce or tattoo our bodies and dye our hair wild colors that our co-workers will judge us. We may not get a promotion….our clients may turn away from us. We conform. Because if we don’t …there are consequences.

How we HATE the consequences! We stay in a dead end job, because we HAVE a job…and ‘what if’ we went and did something we were passionate about? Maybe we’d LOSE our jobs! Does a teen care? No way……..it’s a CHALLENGE! Parents of small children(especially) may not go out for an evening or weekend with their friends, because *gasp* they are a PARENT….and couldn’t POSSIBLY leave the baby! What would others THINK if I went and had ‘FUN’ and left my kid! Not a teen…..they’d go on and have fun with their friends, rather than isolate themselves.

Consequences. Somehow we as PEOPLE need to grasp the need for consequences, and the differences in that as opposed to perceived consequences….the standards we hold ourselves and others to because that’s what we THINK is right. So, here’s my challenge. LIVE LIKE A TEEN! LOVE LIKE A TEEN! Bear in mind the serious consequences of things, but let societies restraints go for a while. We’d all be better for it.

Rest in peace, boys. You will be missed greatly by the HUGE group of teens and adults that loved you.

1 comment:

stoogepie said...

When tragedies like these occur -- those epic bouts of suffering that are entirely Job-like in their magnitude -- I also don't know what to say.

I know what to say just about any other time. I pride myself at being very good at saying things, even going so far as pronouncing things correctly if I have not been drinking. But stuff like this happens and I am left aghast and dumb, which is ironic and horrible since it is probably the time when the people left to piece together a life with a massive hole in the middle most need someone to say exactly the right thing.

I will still roll my eyes at people who have too many piercings. I mean, when your crotch jingles when you walk, you deserve a good eye-rolling.