Tuesday, January 26, 2010

The Hamster Wheel

I have anxiety issues. Self diagnosed, of course, but that’s what I’ve decided it is.

Years ago, I worried constantly. About everything. I considered every scenario, and what I would do to combat the ‘worst’ case. I thought, and thought, and thought about things in my life. Some major, some not so much. I drove my family and friends nuts sometimes with my insane worrying.

I don’t know what happened, but I got over some of that. I didn’t completely, but I lead a much calmer existence, and let the chips fall where they may. Most of the time. And when I DO ‘worry’ it usually IS not as extreme as it was one time in my life.

Until this weekend. My brain has kicked into overdrive, and I’m making up for lost worry time! I am anxious, nervous, antsy and want to RUN!!! Run where? I don’t know, just run. Home, I guess, Where I feel secure. I can worry and pace and make lists and fret and all the other ridiculous stuff I do in private. With warm fuzzy dogs and a cat to alleviate my stress level. I know it’s stupid. The anxiety doesn’t go away just because I run from work, or wherever I may be. I waste time, and stare at the television like a useless fool, then regret taking my leave time from work because I’m worried about stuff I CANNOT CONTROL.

It’s a vicious cycle…….like a hamster wheel…..squeaky, squeaky in my brain. I HATE IT. I want to be like my dad (well, not all the way like him,,,,). Seemingly calm, able to make firm decisions, able to STICK to his decisions, doesn’t’ seem to let the what ‘everyone else’ thinks bother him.

Instead I’m a hand wringing, hamster wheel brained person who feels lost.

Now with all the whining said, not a thing I am anxious about is bad!! THAT’S THE THING. It’s a potential change in the way things are in my life, but NOT BAD THINGS………it could be construed as GOOD, even!! But it’s all up in the air, nothing is definite, nothing is settled and the first stages of talking has just begun. So, this isn’t even anything I know FOR SURE!! Which makes the hamster wheel all the more frustrating.

I should save that worry energy for if or when things DO change!!

Yes, I know I’m being all cryptic and non-revealing. I have to be. This involves other people outside my immediate family, therefore, I can’t say. Not that anyone that reads this blog knows me, but JUST IN CASE. I did learn that cautionary sense from my dad. And my husband. The two most conservative people on the PLANET. Unlike me who would love to be a bohemian princess……peasant clothes, poetry and free living would be my choice!! How I was borne to, then married the conservative ones is BEYOND me……..Although, they are pretty nice to have around .

So, internet. My worry wart is BACK in full force. I hate this part of me the most. That and fear of what ‘everyone else’ thinks of me and my life. If I could get a permanent grip on these negative traits, I think I would have a great life.

They say duct tape works on warts….I wonder if I ensconced myself in duct tape, if that would work!!

Well, kids….I’m off to hop back on the wheel.

Toodles for now.

1 comment:

MsDarkstar said...

I hope that whatever it is works out in the best way possible!