The sure way of getting nothing from something

(Wilson Mizner)

We went to the ISLE OF CAPRI casino in Boonville, Mo on Saturday. Man, oh man, I can see how people spend every dime they have. I used to think that the nickel or penny slots are just as satisfying to my desire to gamble as the quarter and dollar slots. WELL, I WAS WRONG. You can’t win much in the nickel and penny slots. I wanted to win BIG. You’ve gotta PLAY to win….

This whole play to win concept is something that Mr. Perfectly and I disagree about. He feels like if you never play, you never lose…..Personally, I’m like a raccoon……all the bright lights……the shiny displays!! I’m sucked right in!!

I wandered around from machine to machine (I am a slot machine girl). I found a few that were sort of fun…some that were confusing, and some that I didn’t like. I blew like $35 (Mr. P was doling out $5 at a time to me). I finally found a machine that seemed fun. It was a penny machine that you could bet LOTS of lines for LOT of pennies. My $5 was blown like in 3 minutes. Mr. P just wanted me to bet a penny at a time, but if you did that you couldn’t play the BONUS slot……I wanted the BONUS slot. The machine made extra BOOMING and BING BING noises if you played the BONUS SLOT. But it took like $1.50 or something to play that one. He wanted me to be content betting a penny at a time, but I wanted to WIN…….WIN BIG!!! Sadly, I took $40 of the $50 we allowed ourselves to take in and BLEW IT ALL……in slots. I would take any of his OR my winnings and blow those too. I won like $12.50 on one spin at a quarter slot……..Perfectly’s dad suggested I cash out and take the money, but I WANTED MORE…….MORE MONEY. I lost my $5 I put into the machine PLUS any winnings…….BUT IT WAS SO FUN. So, Mr. P kept me contained to losing only $40…but if I’d have had my way with the last penny machine with the BONUS SLOT, then certainly I may have won. But we’ll never know, now will we. THEY MADE ME LEAVE!!!!! So, the next loser that sat down at my bright lights machine may have one the BIG jackpot of $5500 or whatever. IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN MINE……ALL MINE!!!

There’s a very sorry side to casino life. Many of the individuals that were there looked like they shouldn’t have walked INTO a joint like that. Some lady was being wheeled in with her OXYGEN hooked up……..man oh man……maybe if you are on oxygen, and in a wheelchair a SMOKY CASINO isn’t the place for you?

There are many MANY appearances of those that are very poor sitting at those slots. I bet they don’t have a Mr. Perfectly to keep them in check, and they spend all their rent and formula money (they certainly don’t spend the cigarette money, though…..whew!!!! I think it’s a rule that you must smoke if you enter a casino). It’s really sad, in a way. I may get sucked into the bright lights, but I also go in realistically knowing that what I feed the machine, I won’t get back.

The bathrooms had a little door marked ‘SHARPS DISPOSAL’. C’mon!! SHARPS? Is this a convenience for the IV drug user? Or the Diabetic? Either way, maybe they shouldn’t be in a casino!!

We went to the surf-n-turf buffet for dinner. $17.99 for all-you-can-eat. This place was jam PACKED with people (including me) who loaded up their plates with enormous amounts of SNOW CRAB LEGS. I personally balanced 3 bunches of them on my plate along with 3 fried shrimp and a small spoonful of tortellini to try. I had my drawn butter READY for dipping. They put the butter in a coffee pot with a spigot and you dispense little cups of melted butter for the crab.

Crab legs cause me to panic a little. They are messy and how does one eat them? Crack them all and get the meat from all of them and THEN eat or crack and eat as you go?

I went for the all out cracking before eating. My family said I looked ‘FRANTIC’ as I was cracking and chucking the leg shells. They said I was flinging juice and little crab pieces everywhere. Heather, my beautiful niece, was laughing so hard at my work that she was tearing up!! She said I even flung some tortellini sauce at her. Mr. P said he wished that he’d brought his little camera (that he won from STOOGIE’S contest) so he could video me for you guys. Alas, he didn’t though. Apparently I made quite a site. I do stick my tongue out a lot when I’m concentrating. I put it in the corner of my mouth. They said I was all squinty, and making faces, too.

I don’t know what in the world they are talking about. I was just a girl, trying to clean her crab shells so she could eat her crab all at one time. OH….I also found it was easier to pour the melted butter over the pile of crab, rather than try to dip each little miniscule piece. It was a HUGE success as far as I was concerned. I provided great entertainment for my family, and had 3 bunches of crab legs for myself. I would have eaten more, but didn’t dare for fear my family would disown me.

Casinos put me into quite a tailspin, though. It’s amazing that I can make it. I have a friend, that shall remain unnamed, that works in that industry. The STORIES I hear….like people wearing adult diapers so they can stay at their machine….the people who urinate and defecate on themselves when NOT wearing adult diapers so they don’t have to leave their machine. People who vomit on the floor so they don’t lose their machine. It’s just disgusting. I’d catch glimpses of smeared, greasy chrome on the machines, and I’d have to FORCE myself to not think about who touched it before me….etc. It’s got to be a germy breeding ground. Blech.

Buffet’s are the same way. I like to eat at them, but I cannot STAND to use the common utensils to serve up my food. Who touched it before me? PEOPLE WHO HAD THEIR HANDS ON THE NASTY SLOT MACHINES is who. It’s gross and nasty…. all the unwashed masses had their grimy hands all over the tongs to get crab legs. INCLUDING ME!! Luckily for me they have the wet wipey things at the tables for use after we spray our eating area with crab juice, so I placated myself by using those before eating. Hoping that the alcohol content in the wet wipe would at least kill off SOME of the nasty that I’d exposed myself to at the machines and getting my dinner. It’s just too gross to even think about….so I try not to….otherwise, I’d not eat ANYTHING at the $17.99 buffet.

Oh, and another thing. I was trying to save my $5 allowances by not getting any drinks!! The cocktail waitresses would come around hollering “cockTAILS, soda POP” and I’d let them pass, despite the fact a mai tai or other fruity imbibement would have been LOVELY. As they dragged my sorry butt from the casino, while I was begging to” PLAY JUST 5 MORE DOLLARS”, I asked them to stop at a store to grab a soda…that I was THIRSTY. My dad asked why I hadn’t taken a free soda. I looked back into the brightly lit casino asking “where are the free sodas?”. They pointed out to me that while you are gambling that one DOESN’T HAVE TO PAY FOR DRINKS…..THEY ARE FREE…… Now, internet, how many mai tai’s could I have consumed while frittering away my $5 gambling sprees? Huh? I may have bet more penny bets………..IF I HAD ONLY UNDERSTOOD THE RULES……but NOBODY TOLD ME!!

I left the casino drenched in crab juice and $40 poorer than when I arrived. AT LEAST I COULD HAVE LEFT DRUNK!!! And it wouldn’t have cost any more than what I already spent.

Now that I know this, Mr. P is going to have to endure another trek into the casino underbelly for me to play my BONUS SLOT machine and get me some free booze!!!

Who wants to come with us?