What I wanted, then didn't.

I went to Cato armed with a pair of much looked for capri leggings. Brown. I envisioned myself looking as cute at the size 8 model did in my tunic/dress/shirt.

I called my BFF Jakki to come with me..to give me HONEST answers. I excitedly went into the dressing room, and pulled out my leggings. The box said they were a large size......so I proceeded to put them on. The box ALSO said 'low rise leggings'. A quite important fact that I didn't understand. I'll get to that in a sec.

I shimmied my way into the coveted brown leggings. I was wearing my standard satiny granny panties...that come up past my belly button. They were blue. I tried to pull these leggings up like panty hose.....and guess what? Low rise means just that....low rise. Low rise against the slick underwear just DIDN'T work But in my ZEAL to look fabulous, I decided I could find other leggings somewhere other than Wal-mart, so I let them fall down UNDER my belly fat roll........and proceeded to put on my VERY CUTE tunic/dress/shirt. I walked with my knees together (so the leggings didn't roll all the way down) to the hanger, and excitedly pulled on the Pièce de résistance.

Teenie and the teenage store clerk were right. Shit. Damn. I looked like an orange tye died kids ball---round in the middle.....and hugging all the WRONG places. My leggings for whatever reason made my legs look even WORSE than they do naked.........how can that be? They were CONTAINING the icky stuff....but....seriously......it was BAAAADDD. Jakki was waiting for me in the store, but I didn't want to even leave the dressing room. I called her in, and bless her heart...she tried to put a positive spin on it..........then she finally realized it was useless......there wasn't much that one COULD say......except "yeah, your legs look really big in those". I mentioned that they ARE big...and she said "no, these make it worse". So I gave up. I unrolled the leggings, shoved them into my purse, and happily put on my shapeless sweats, t-shirt and dirty flip flops.

I totally shy away from 'classic'. I think my style could best be described as "HO-Bag". I just seem to gravitate towards things that just aren't meant for me. A 42 yr old MOTHER that is really heavy. I like bright and fun (translation: Loud). I don't like satiny...or slick....so everything usually clings in not a GOOD WAY.......

This was NOT a case of self deprecation........It was a 'light bulb' moment that maybe I need some intervention.........

What is cute for the 40 and young at heart crowd?

Thanks for the words of encouragement....to get what makes me happy...what I like and to HELL with the 'rules'. hehehehe.....I better find at least a FEW rules...because if I hadn't tried this on, and ended up wearing it OUT.....or lordie.........I'm glad I had enough sense to try it on.

What I wanted

On my quest for something cute to wear on Memorial Day weekend, Teenie and I went shopping. She TOTALLY vetoed my 'shirt' choice. Said it was 'too 70's'. And there was some debate as to whether or not it is a SHIRT or a DRESS.

I love the brown/green/turquoise shirt I bought. I really do, but I still think about THIS all the time. With some dark brown leggings? Or with cute capri jeans like SHE has on? Oh, by the way, it's the orange/multi 'tunic'.

The sales clerk informed me that it looked 'really cute on the hanger', but you have to be like '5'9" or something' to actually pull off the 'look'. I'm only 5'3"---barely......

I need your opinion internet.....shun ALL fashion advice from my BFF and a teenage (okay, maybe 20) store clerk? Or go with my heart and buy a very loud, very ORANGE tunic/dress/shirt with LEGGINGS on my rather ample legs? Short legs.

On another, related note, this model is NOT a plus sized model. It irks me that they use people that are normal sized as a representation of the 'plus size'. It's time to get some real life larger people in these photos. Ones with rolls, and that are truly PLUS sized....that way we can SEE what the clothing looks like on someone other than a perfect size....oh, let's say 8? They need a cross section of those people who are large all over...height, weight, bone structure, and those that are short/heavy/small bone structure (like me).... that way I could SEE what somebody similar to ME looks like in this tunic/dress thingy.

Have a good Wednesday

It's TEENIE'S BIRTHDAY!!! Happy Birthday!

To Tiramisu or not to Tiramisu?

Not to Tiramisu. Seriously.

Tomorrow is Teenie's birthday. HAPPY BIRTHDAY TEENIE!! Based on her recent craving for Tiramisu, that she couldn't find ANYONE serving in town, I filed that information away, and decided to surprise her on her birthday with homemade TIRAMISU. My first inkling that there may be a bump in the road is when I found out that she was taking off work on her birthday. Harruummpphhhh. I doubted she'd want a 9x13 pan of the stuff for herself, so I thought I'd take it to her place of employment and she could share the wealth with her co-workers. So, I changed my plan and decided to really throw her off and take it to her THE DAY BEFORE her birthday......she'd REALLY be surprised!!

I went yesterday to purchase the ingredients for the Tiramisu. I bought bittersweet chocolate, eggs and went on the search for Lady Fingers. Hy-Vee didn't have them, so I went to Schnucks. They are the only place I know of that has Marscapone cheese, as well. Schnucks was OUT of Lady Fingers (but not Marscapone), and the sweet girl in the bakery called Gerbes....of COURSE they had Lady Fingers. I'd been there twice already yesterday, and didn't THINK to look...duhh....so back to Gerbes I went. Bought the lady fingers....OH YEAH....earlier in the day, I went to the coffee shop to get real espresso....since I couldn't find any instant espresso powder. We live in the boonies.......with all the chocolate recipes that have espresso in it you'd THINK you could find it.....but NOOOOOOOO.

Anyway, back to more coherent thinking......I FINALLY gathered my ingredients, came home and had some pizza, and decided to tackle the recipe. I was really leery of the raw egg yolks.....I'm really goofy about chicken and raw eggs. I read several recipes and saw that one recipe beat the egg yolks and sugar over a double boiler.....not PERFECT, but at least somewhat cooked. I got my water simmering, and my metal bowl with the yolks and sugar. I beat the HECK out of it to make it thick and creamy...and managed to spray my whole stove with egg yolk.......**sigh**. I got that done, and while I was waiting for them to cool a bit, I got out the Marscapone cheese, the rum and my handy dandy espresso. I didn't get a full cup as I thought, so Mr. Perfectly made some triple strong coffee to have on hand if I ran out of espresso. I beat the egg mixture, the cheese and the espresso (oh, and I added vanilla), and it looked sort of loose.....not at all THICK......more like a thick pancake batter. So, I stuck it in the fridge while I dealt with the lady fingers.

Oh, the Lady Fingers. If you'll read the recipe, it SAYS not to soak them for more than 5 seconds---or they'd absorb too much liquid. Ok, 5 seconds doesn't seem like a long time, but think of something awkward....oh.....let's say, like being NAKED in front of a woman spray tanning you......NOW how long is 5 seconds? Or farting in front of your boss.....NOW how long is 5 seconds? It's a long freaking time. I thought I'd be efficient and took a whole ROW of Lady Fingers and gently placed them in the espresso/rum concoction. Hoooeeeeeeee.......they were SOGGY immediately. IMMEDIATELY. Oh no, now what? I'm digging soggy lady fingers from the liquid, and thought I'd go to 2 at a time....well THEY soaked up the liquid like NOBODY'S BUSINESS. By the time all the lady fingers were soaked, I'd gone through at least 3x, and maybe 4x the amount of espresso/coffee/rum. Yeah. I made a baby lady finger sandwich for me and Son #2 to try, and can you say BITTER? UGH. I put it all together, with the extra soggy Lady Fingers and put it all in the fridge KNOWING that I couldn't serve this to her and her co-workers.........

So, here is the soggy Tiramisu story. I went in and tried it before blogging so I could have first hand knowledge of what it's like. Parts are NASTY and parts aren't so bad.......I went ahead and kept it thinking I'll pick through it later. I consider myself to be a decent cook.....but apparently my judgement in using over 3x the amount of coffee/rum wasn't such a fabulous idea.

So, now tomorrow's her birthday, and my big surprise ended up being a big bust.

Any ideas of what I could do NOW?

Memorial Day

Well, the spray tan 'fix' wasn't all it cracked up to be. She did fine on my arms, but the legs? Pretty blotchy still. I don't have any 'before' and 'after' photos, so suffice it to say, I won't be spray tanning again....in a booth or by a person.

The person that did my 'correction' spray tan is Son #1's best friends' mother, whom I'd not met before. "Hi, nice to meet you........now I'm getting NAKED so you can spray me." Awkward!! That coupled with my self image issues and gargantuan breasts...well, let's say, any and all small talk was just weird. If I ever see this person in a social situation I'll have to remember her asking me to lift my breasts for a spray.....**yeah**.

We travelled to Bethany (Martinsville, to be exact) Mo to see the grave sites of my Grandma Winnie, that just passed a year ago in January (2007), and my great aunt/uncle. I'm not a fan of grave site visiting. It seems so sad and morbid, but my grandma did it, and this a way to keep our family meeting up. We are very small, and Grandma was our anchor. This is a great way to have the family meet in a central location to have our memories. Luckily, we aren't a weepy bunch. I just wouldn't know how to act if everyone stood around crying. It was a COLD day---so my cute shirt and bermuda-ish shorts (which were at least a size too big) were covered by an UGLY jacket that I threw in the car at the last minute. My cousin's daughter placed flowers at individual grave sites--she's 5 and beautiful. She put a flower in her hair and proceeded to place flowers where she was told to. She placed each stem down into the ground.....it was very sweet.



Here's a large portion of the family:



We all ate at the Toot Toot restaurant in Bethany for lunch--they have a huge buffet available. With good desserts. MMMMMM

The cute cousins were cute as ever. I always enjoy seeing them, although I tend to feel like I chase after them "Oh...Oh....play with me...PLEEEEZZZZEEEE". We went to Kansas City, Kansas to one of their homes and had a surprise birthday party for my Uncle. It was alot of fun, and consisted of Clown Noses and his own 'big boy chair' which he'd apparently requested (his two granddaughters have personalized chairs....now he's got one too....he says they are identical triplets).

It wasn't a very cute day....the wind was high and the humidity was abundant...therefore my curly hair frizzed.....but we took pictures anyway---here's the cute cousins and me...I'm in the middle......



Here we are following Mr. Perfectly's instructions to POSE:



It was an awesome day, and although it began cold and windy, it was GORGEOUS later in the day, so we couldn't have asked for more, I suppose.

How was YOUR holiday? Can't wait to hear what you all did!!

Midlife Crisis

I did it. I went spray tanning. Why, Internet, do I let myself DO THESE THINGS?

After worrying about larger people and spray tans, I jumped in with both feet and went to a salon where PEOPLE don't apply the spray--you just stand in a booth and get sprayed by a shower like machine It didn't work TOO bad, really...I have some orange on my hands and wrists and feet---which in and of itself would be livable....but the fact that I have tanning solution on the front and back of my legs BUT NOT ON THE SIDES seems a bit problematic. I wanted to wear cute bermuda-ish shorts and a fun bohemian top to show up the cute cousins. NOW WHAT?

I'll be calling around to salons to see what the best course of action will be....otherwise, I'll be cute in an undercooked meat sort of way....seared on the top and bottom with the sides left yukky.

Mr. Perfectly WARNED me after the eyebrow incident that maybe I'd want to WAIT until we weren't doing something particularly special to try this venture....I was all "what could it DO?"....a mild spray tan? I went into the room, and applied the 'barrier' cream to my hands and feet..I was totally NAKED and in this booth...I had the foresight to lift up the 'girls' so some spray would get under there (not that anyone sees my belly where my unrestrained boobs lay). I got out and forgot to 'blot' instead of 'wipe' with the minuscule towel I was given......but the girl said it wouldn't matter. I think it may have......

I can't be upset....I knew going into this, that there was a risk of failure, but what is it with the midlife crisis I'm having? I've gotten nails done......eyelashes tinted, brows waxed (then shaved off) and brows fixed....I've had a pedicure.....I want cute shoes......THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME. I've never particularly cared about my appearance. Clean and clothes that match are about all I ever do...I like makeup and use it, but sensible shoes, pants and a matching top have ALWAYS done the job......WHY NOW, AT 42 DO I THINK BOHEMIAN is the way to go? Tanned and bohemian?

Son #1's best friends mother works at a tanning salon. I'll be giving her a call today to find out if we can fix the undercooked sides of my legs, at least. I'll live with the orange on my wrists and the wrinkles in my knuckles being white...I'ts a badge of failure, but DAMMIT..I want to look cute in those shorts and shoes.

**SIGH**

I had a dream last night that Scott Baio was giving me advice on my sex life. Why Scott Baio? Probably because he has a PERPETUAL TAN.........or maybe since Scott Baio is 46 and PREGNANT...and I'm only 42, I feel like he has a leg up on me or something.

I'm open to suggestions. I've already perused the internet to find how to REMOVE spray tans, and apparently it is not that easy. Baking Soda is the most common thing...so I guess I'll go buy an industrial sized box and have at it tonight.

I'll let you know what the tanning salon says, if they don't LAUGH me off the phone.

Toodles for now.

First off, I’d like to thank God. And my parents. And my fabulous children….oh yeah, and Mr. Perfectly.

I HAVE FANS. Yes, I do! Someone out there in the internet world MISSES me. Woo Hoo….it’ll be a 2 GLASS OF WINE night tonight!

I have so much, yet so little to say. So, I’ll get right to it.

Has anyone noticed that ‘peach flavored’ stuff has a cat pee presence to it? Yeah, I’m drinking a peach/mango bottled juice drink, and keep thinking Joe peed on something of mine (I was hoping it was my purse so I could get another).

Yesterday, we went to have brake work done on our vehicle (a 2002 Ford explorer). We took it to a smaller community 15 miles from us. And folks, if you ever need something done go to NATHANS in California, MO. I got the rear brakes replaced, the rotors turned (what the hell are rotors??), an alignment and an oil change…………..all to the tune of……drummroll, please……………..$144.58. I nearly fell out of my chair. Local places start at $110.00 or so per axle for brakes……….. I am so IN LOVE with NATHAN’S, I can’t see straight.

My baby graduates from 8th grade tomorrow. We get to go sit in a HOT gym with 350 pubescent 14 year olds (oh, the sweaty STINK). Half of which are girls in their spring finery---and the boys in their slouchy khaki’s cussing their moms for making them wear a polo…….A really funny story about my baby----yesterday a gal at work was browsing through her niece’s yearbook. My boss was flipping through it and they were laughing at the girl’s remarks left over MANY photos…….lots of them not so nice (Lezbo, run for your life, skank, ) and other things like (Susie’s boyfriend…..bff……REAL BFF, etc) and over my son’s 8th grade photo, in the yearbook was this……”HOT”. So apparently my son is a hottie….this girl isn’t the first stranger I’ve heard thru the grapevine that thinks he’s ‘HOT’

My 17 yr old son is dealing with teenage angst of not getting his way in life JUST BECAUSE. OMG, he’s so much like me it’s scary! He ‘lost’ his track hoodie….and his coach has been on him to bring it in or pay for it…He’s all indignant……and uppity, and feels like coach doesn’t give him ‘credit’…..Sigh…..

We are going for an outing on Saturday---8 people in a van. 8…..I’ll let that all sink in……8. We are driving 3 hours to go grave visiting, see my brother…then drive back to a cousin’s house for a party. It will be a lot of fun, but the old insecurities rear their ugly head…….My cousins are young, and very cute and very perfect---I’m sure that they AREN’T but they seem so………and I feel like the fat outsider that they just tolerate on family events. I end up being all earnest and chatty, and feel like I’m a creepy stalker or something……..eeeeekkkkk. I keep shopping for that ONE cute item that will make me fit in……..and alas, nothing that I buy makes me look like the picture I have of myself in MY HEAD. The one with no imperfections, and that can boldly carry off cute shoes (my fat feet hang off the sides), a large tote/purse with ALL the right stuff tucked inside (not pads, 27 free pens and hand sanitizer), a cute swingy top (that makes me look fat and My ARMS…oh the arms), some cute Bahama type long-ish shorts….(but the pasty white legs…….eeek) HELP ME INTERNET….I do not want to be the elastic jean short…appliqué t-shirt wearing crazy cousin!

Oh and right now, this very moment, I’m eating FUNYUNS. I’ve had coffee, too, so come on over and let me whisper sweet FUNYUNS in your ear…..I should have waited and tortured the parents around me in the smelly gym tomorrow!!

And thanks Kristin for missing me. That makes up for not making out with you in return for my vodka drink recipe!!!

Nature's Calling

Yesterday my family went to eat at the Daily Grind--a local cafe that I've grown to really enjoy. They have awesome macaroni and cheese. Yum...wow. Mr. Perfectly used his skills to photograph and play with the images......they're pretty cool.



He uses something he calls HDR to make the photos look all artsy....I have no clue what it means.

Here's High Street in our city:



And here's some of the family.......I'm in the very far corner......with my hand up to my face, and in light pink stripes......



Then today, I went and spent an obscene amount of money on makeup. Obscene for MY budget that is....I bought 2 Bare Escentuals kits. They were $50 apiece, but I do love it, and it works beautifully.

We also saw an unusual site for Missouri, or what Mr. Perfectly THOUGHT was unusual. Apparently, it isn't all that unusual..Missouri apparently is a state that is home to Bald Eagles. There's a huge nest nearby, and Mr. Perfectly has been wanting to photograph them for a couple of weeks. We drove by and by CHANCE saw an eagle soaring through the air. He'd already found the nest, but saw no activity. This time, we saw BABIES on the edge of the nest. Probably not baby babies, but young eagles that don't fly yet. We tried to figure out who owned the land to get permission to go closer, but had no luck. Mr. Perfectly took these from the road. He wanted me to be certain I explained the distance involved, so you didn't mistake his fuzzy photos for bad photography. He's cropped and enlarged them so the birds are more visable. The first photo you see is the distance...and the huge nest. The others are more cropped in and not as clear due to the pulling in close. Aren't they GORGEOUS and MAGNIFICIENT?

Oh, HI!!

Yes, I've missed a couple of days. Pooh.....you'll get over it.

It's Friday afternoon, which is my most FAVORITE (see, didn't use fave.....which SOMEONE hates to see/hear used)time of the week. It's officially the weekend, yet not so far into the weekend where the dread of work creeps up on you. Teenie and I are going to do SOMETHING....I'm not sure what, since she's dealing with 13 yr old boys right now. We haven't finalized anything. So, it's nearly perfect. Plans w/ Teenie, on a Friday night, and the weather is GORGEOUS.

I'm watching 'Ellen' right now. Apparently she publicly announces that she will wed her girlfriend Portia DeRossi if the ban on same sex marriage ban stays lifted in CA. I THINK..(can't remember for sure) I saw Ellen live in 1989 at Union Station in St. Louis. I adore her.

I keep reviewing the last couple of days for things that are funny, or interesting, or compelling.....and I got NOTHING. Not a thing. I had diarrhea yesterday. Bet y'all wanted to know that. I went to bed last night at 8pm and watched 'The First 48' and went to sleep. I know, I know....there's so much glamour and excitement in my life that I don't DARE share it all for fear you all will be overwhelmed with envy.

For your viewing pleasure, here are photos of my dogs:

Buster and Copper, standing by a huge pile of sticks. Then Buster, Then goofy Copper that would NOT stand still for a photo shoot.



I can't ever get the text to be next to or under the photos. That's Mr. Perfectly's job, and he's not here, so you'll get the not so techno savvy way.

Toodles for now. I'm sure I'll have fabulous antics to report later......IT'S THE WEEKEND.......Woo Hoo....

Copycat

I'm taking liberty with an idea that began with Lawyerish. She wanted to discuss the 'things' we didn't like about ourselves physically. Since I've been on a major downer about my physical 'things', I thought I'd change it up a bit.....and be a downer about EMOTIONAL 'things'.

What are 'things'? Things we don't particularly care for in ourselves...or that we percieve OTHERS not liking in us. We've all got them. And as Lawyerish pointed out so poignantly, I would probably NEVER notice your 'thing'--we are pretty wrapped up in our own 'things' and we worry that our 'things' are like NEON signs on our forehead announcing our so-called downfalls to everyone that bothers to look our way.

So, what are my 'things'? I've got alot, but I'll try to pare it down so I don't scare people off as being wayyyy too needy (um, if I haven't already, that is). I feel that I am too 'earnest' in wanting to be friends. I feel like sometimes I deserve to be given special treatment....just because. I feel like people don't like me right away. I feel like I slack (and try to hide it) alot when I shouldn't. I talk too much. I worry about things I can't control (that's a biggie).

**DEEEEPP CLEANSING BREATH*** Now, doesn't that feel better? (nervous giggle) not really---Mr. Perfectly and Perfectly's Dad think I reveal too much. That I should keep EVERYTHING close to the vest. That NOTHING should be shared. I miss the carefree me that can chat it up with anyone and not WORRY what everyone thinks. I'm getting over that some....not much, but some. I really like that part of me, so I'm working on getting some of her back.

So, what are YOUR 'things'? Please share. That way, maybe I won't think MY 'things' are so creepy!

Thank L-ish for the idea. I think it's cool!

A whole bunch of NUTTIN.

At work today, I put a bunch of things I wanted to blog about on sticky notes. Because, **sigh** when at work, I'm supposed to work and not blog.

So, y'all are in for another Monday Musings....I guess...I'll briefly (*snort*...as if I am ever brief) go over the stuff I wanted to talk about.

I had a perfect Mother's day. Son #2 made me breakfast to order. I ate toast, cookie crisp cereal and coffee. Jamaica me CRAZY flavor coffee. MMMM. He made the coffee and toast all by himself (after getting coffee instructions from Mr. Perfectly). He was very proud that he figured that he could MELT the butter first in the microwave to make smoother spreading. Mr. Perfectly made dinner, which was great. I also had Peach Martini's which were potent little suckers. But oh so yummy.

I switched to A & W diet root beer when I began using my dog, Buster's paws and legs like Jeff Probst starting a 'Survivor' challenge; "READY???? GO!"

Speaking of 'Survivor', I was a little peeved that Parvati won. I like Amanda, and sort of wanted her or Cirie to win. Parvati think's she's a little 'all that' and she's cute and all, but.........nah...too transparent. And Ozzy declared his love for Amanda.....too sweet (I'm a sucker for reality tv romance). And James? Let some poor grieving woman take pictures of his ABS......(sure she was grieving.......)

On Saturday night (I'm regressing, here), we ate fresh MOREL mushrooms. OMG. OMG. Seriously....OMG. We also had home-made creme brulee......again OMG, but not as OMG as the mushrooms.

I'm returning the razor today. I just can't see spending $20 for a razor that doesn't have any way to LOCK the eyebrow guard. The only attachment I like is the one that is like the little pen razors, so I'll take this one back, and just get the little one. Teenie said I should shave my arms. I'm fair skinned and have fair arm hair, but it's longer than alot of other girls, and she suggested I shave it off......I really don't want to deal with arm stubble, you know? She says it won't be stubbly, but I think it will. Last night, I gave the new razor one last hurrah, and shaved a LITTLE bit of my forearm. As predicted, I felt a little stubble. I just left it alone, and when driving to work this morning, in the sunlight, boy you could see the shaved area. Tee Hee......you can't see it in regular light, but it was funny to see my bald wrist.

I know I spend an inordinate amount of time discussing my body hair. Sorry, but it's something that I really don't like, yet I'm not willing to deal with (i.e waxing, shaving, etc...) so until there's a good solution, I'll just complain.

I ate 'Kashi Vive PROBIOTIC' cereal this morning. I mixed it w/ yogurt. We'll see how it affects my digestion----I like Kashi...It can be a little bland, but I don't mind it....it makes me feel healthier later in the day when eating all the REALLY bad stuff.

And while I appreciate good oral hygiene as much as the next person, I do NOT enjoy being in a public bathroom with someone brushing their teeth. I am skeeved to the MAX with spit, spittle, and drool. I don't deal well with the mouth. Spit, loose and removed teeth.....I just...well.....shudder. I have a RULE not to brush the teeth anywhere but the bathroom. Sometimes, with one bath it gets hectic around here, and the boys (including Mr. Perfectly) want to just brush and SPIT in the kitchen. NO WAY......that's too much for poor mom to deal with. Now what they do that I don't know about...well.....I can't think about that either. And seeing as I have public restroom issues as well as spit issues, the two to me don't mix. So, lady that was standing next to me this afternoon brushing her teeth? EWWWW. Couldn't you have WAITED til I left?

I keep floss at my desk for emergencies..like popcorn stuck painfully between teeth, or that pesky piece of spinach? But that can be done unobtrusively, and privately....whereas brushing cannot.

Lastly, either I'm losing my ever loving MIND or people cannot speak. I would SWEAR that today on the phone someone offered to give me their 'defecation number'. Now I assume they said or meant IDENTIFICATION number, but I know what I heard. And last I knew, defecation was NUMBER TWO.

Oh, wait....one more thing. A couple of weeks ago, I posed the question about larger people and shorts. What about larger people and the fake spray on tans? That would mean that I'd have to be in a booth with a probable Beautiful Person baring either my nude self or bathing suit attired self (neither of which is pretty). But since I don't tan or want to tan, I thought a light golden FAKE tan may be fun.....but is it too much to ask of people to spray a not so hottie? I'm being serious folks....Like if I was a massage therapist, a hairy back would probably bother me........so would it bother the tanning folks if a large person wanted a tan?

How to stalk co-workers and embarass people

Start by entering a conference room with 2 people serving popcorn to the department staff. (these are employees in the department) Greet people that you BARELY know.

Practically PURR into the ear of one of the popcorn baggers "I love your hair"

See her expression, yet DON'T shut up

Purr some more---"everytime I see you, I notice your HAIR...it's so pretty"

Nervous laughter---from both of us...tell her how you 'Love the color and how SHINY it is'

Some more nervous tittering--make some weird passing reference about acting like a stalker.

Continue to go ON about her HAIR!!!

Popcorn bagger is turning RED....but do you stop? OH NO.

You carefully reach out and PET the hair. Yes. You. Do.

By this time Jakki had a bag of popcorn and was settling in to watch the show.

Lean over conference room chair, because you are embarassed, and giggle like a CRAZY ASS.

Have poor popcorn bagger discuss how she thinks her hair is stick straight and she can't do ANYTHING with it....and say....

"Well, I guess we all want what we can't have"

Oh, Yeah. That's how to do it.

Before and After

Well, they eyebrow fix isn't as perfect as I'd hoped. It, however, is better. My other eyebrow sort of matches now, too. I'm posting before and after photos. Please take note in the before pics...the stubble, and chunked off area of the brow (and my still prettily tinted lashes, please)! Oh, in the 'before' pics, I've also taken one of the 'good' brow to see how thick I wear them. This is NOT as thick as they grow, however.......I've got caterpillar eyebrows. Don't be skeeved by the contacts--I had no idea they'd show up that well. Oh, and I'm not stoned. I'm taking self portraits, and apparently one must LOOK stoned in them. Oh, and I also didnt' realize that my just out of the shower brows were so messy----but, oh well....this is me.

In the after photo, you'll see the chunked off area isn't totally gone, and neither is the stubbly area....she didn't want to do TOO much, for fear they would grow back funny--but all in all, she did a good job. She suggested using an eyebrow pencil to soften the 'chunked' area. My esthetician suggested cuticle scissors when needing to trim length from the bounty of my brows. Not a RAZOR that cuts hair INTO STUBBLE. Please take note of the NEWLY tinted lashes, though........pretty!

BAD BROW:
GOOD BROW
SEE HOW NICELY BANGS CAMOUFLAGE THE PROBLEM?
THE FIX

Well Crap. Crappity Crap

I shaved a big hunk of my eyebrow off this morning. Yes I did.

Since the chemical burn of March, I decided a more responsible means of hair removal would be one of those little pen sized razors that you see Beautiful people with no Body Hair using on TV. You know, the ones that you can pick up for $9.99? I headed to Wal-Mart in search of a golf umbrella and a personal shaver.

I found the little pen sized personal shaver, but RIGHT NEXT TO IT, for a mere $10 more was THIS. Who WOULDN'T want 5 attachments and GUARDS for eyebrow and more 'delicate' grooming? Huh? Huh? So I bought it. Carefully retaining my receipt, because in the back of my brain I KNEW it wouldn't work well.

I plugged it in last night, and realized, quite impatiently, that it has to CHARGE. So this morning, I woke up with TWO things on my mind....my federal REBATE was supposed to be direct deposited today, AND I was gonna try out my nifty little groomer.

I started with the actual shaver...with the screen. I have these fine little downy hairs that grow on my face/neck. On my face, they dont' bother me so much, but the neck does (hence chemically burning myself in March). So I switched to the little straight edged razor (like you see on the $9.99 ones) and boy it REALLY worked.....so I put the guard over it and went to groom my eyebrows. My eyebrows are thick, and bushy...I thought maybe this neat little trimmer would help me keep them from looking like overgrown weeds! I was carefully running the guard over my brows when guess what? The GUARD fell off. WTF? I didn't originally know I'd hunked off my eyebrow...I was trying to figure out the guard thingy, and glanced in the mirror and GASPED. Shit, now what? I yelled for Mr. Perfectly. He can fix ANYTHING. He tilted my head back, and pronounced that it looked like I'd shaved a hunk out of my eyebrow, and he wasn't TOUCHING it.

I nearly called in to work---to find a salon that opens early for a quick fix. Then I decided to calmly try to repair what I could, trim the other eyebrow so I didn't look wildly cockeyed and mismatched (which I do, but let's pretend I did a good job of evening them out), and pulled my bangs down lower than normal and went to work. 20 minute late, but I made it. So here I sit, with a shaved brow and a butchered self-esteem

Happy freaking Wednesday.

Sincerely,
PerfectlyShelly
who is apparently destined to be hairy and self consious the REST OF HER LIFE.

Reasons I’m a bad mom to 17 yr old son

Midnight curfew
Won’t call him out of school to miss an assembly
Won’t call him out of school to go home to put on missed deodorant
Wouldn’t let him stay out all night on prom (he’s a junior)
I ask too many questions
I won’t let him have lighters
Ask that he call me when he leaves one place for another
I don’t just automatically trust him
I was home and caught him skipping school (my fault for being home unexpectedly)
I’m overprotective
I nag
I make him do chores
I want him to have a responsible job this summer that could benefit his future
I’m nervous about letting him spend the night with other kids
I talk to other parents about our kids and their friends
I read his myspace/facebook

I occasionally look in his room
**things found in his room/vehicle**
Condoms
Lighters
Fireworks
Dad’s beer under his pillow—not consumed
Bedroom window screen under his bed (He didn’t sneak out….riiigghhht)
Bedroom window screen in the yard (it just BLEW out in the wind)
CO2 cartridge
T-shirts from other schools that he ‘found’ (amazingly in his size only)
Empty box of clove cigarettes
A stolen decorative eagle pipe from 14yr old brothers Indian collection

I love him so much it hurts (which makes me OVERPROTECTIVE)
I don’t ‘understand’ him
I was a goody goody as a teen (is what he thinks)
My day is made up of thinking up the BEST way to make him miserable
Or my day is made up in trying to CATCH him doing stuff
I make him study for 30 minutes each night
I make him be home by 9 on school nights
I hug him and ‘sniff’ sometimes to be SURE
I lecture about sex
I lecture about drugs
I lecture about drinking
I don’t allow him to tan (but suspect he does—his butt that shows w/ his low hanging pants looks pretty brown)
I worry about his Crest White strip use
I worry when he’s sick
I worry when he’s well
I worry when he’s sad
I question why he needs a blanket and pillow in his truck

I really think someone ought to call CPS on my bad parental behavior that is doing NOTHING but making my son miserable. I am cramping his style and his ability to ‘do his own thing’. I make unreasonable demands, and am unreasonable in my expectations of him.

Bring it on critics………..I’m a dismal parent. I know…….

I'm sick of peeing.

Seriously. I need some practical advice. First of all, I'm sick. I don't do well in the role of sick. Nobody feels BAD enough for me. Everyone else seems to think that all my moaning and carrying on is ANNOYING. Huh. Imagine that. Personally, I think the attention needs to be focused on ME and MY needs.

My point in all of this is that I have a theory. I theorize that I pee far, FAR more when I'm sick. I'm not a pee-er. Some women go ALL THE TIME. There are full days at work that I don't ENTER our bathroom. Jakki yells at me when this happens, and I'm giving you all this UNWANTED information to illustrate my point. I've been in the bathroom to pee 4 TIMES in the last 2 hours. And it's not a gentle tinkle, either. I HAVE TO PEEEEEE. As a matter of fact, it's been 20 minutes and I have to go again.

I'm not drinking any more or doing anything unusual (except sleeping through 'A Baby Story'). I have a sore throat and a cold--I think. I started the pee-athon on
Tuesday (maybe even Monday night--I can't remember). I wondered if I was sick because I've been peeing 2-3 times a day at work and several times of an evening. But I felt fine. Then yesterday, my throat hurt, and as the day progressed, the BLAH got worse. I got up today and went to work, and like the WUSS I am, I left at 9:30.

This takes me back to my theory. I think my body responds to illness by PEEING. Trying to CLEANSE itself of the unwanted GERMS......am I crazy? I take B vitamins and Folic Acid for a blood clotting issue (another post), therefore, my pee is usually really yellow because of the color of the vitamins (thank you vitamin company for not making the tablets purple or something). But when I am like THIS and peeing every half hour, it eventually is CLEAR....like all the bad colors from the vitamins are gone, and now the body is working on the SORE THROAT.

Does anyone ELSE do this? Am I nuts? Is my theory logical?

Well, off to the loo, and back to my blanket.

p.s. I want to take Zyrtec to try to re-create the sleep-athon of a month ago, but I'm afraid to...what if my kids need me? What if I can't function? While this SEEMS lovely at the moment.....picking up my 14 yr old in a comotose state doesn't seem like the wisest choice.