Dancing with the Perfectly’s

Mr. P needed to mow the lawn. He’s been needing to mow it for weeks now, and has sort of, oopsie, been too busy to deal with it.

A few nights ago he mowed the little patch of grass that is in our fenced area for the dogs. Dex’s poor wenis was dragging along the potentially sharp blades of grass. We couldn’t see where the poopie was anymore. Unfortunately, we’ve been lax in gathering the poopies outside this summer. So even though we NOW CAN SEE the poopies, they remain at rest on the lawn.

Anyway…..last night he rushed home, only to find me in my nightgown already---I am my mother and have taken to my ‘gown’ earlier and earlier of an evening. So, I politely asked him to go forth and purchase me some white wine for our SHRIMP FRA DIAVALO (or however it’s spelled). He was flustered, but being the nice boy he is, ran to Wal Mart to buy the REALLY cheap stuff I keep on hand for cooking. It’s $2.97 for Pinot Grigio.

He came home, and began the arduous task of mowing our large yard. That is mostly thick, THICK zoysia grass. I made sure he didn’t mind if son #2 and I went ahead and ate my fabulous pasta before he was done, and he didn’t, and he merrily skipped to do lawn boy chores.

Son #2 and I ate watching a fun re-run of Ghost Hunters ( of which I missed the new one….read on and you’ll see why. It’s DVR’d, though). Soon, my normally work til it’s done hubby came in the door exclaiming ‘WHEW’ and seemed mildly excited (which is super excited for my mild mannered man)…I asked what, and he mentioned he was hot, and oh yeah….’I just got stung by a bunch of bees” or something to that effect.

I jump up, and follow him into the bathroom where he’s quickly stripping to get into the shower. He slams the door in my face, as he realizes that there are what we now think were yellow jackets still on his clothing. Son #2 came down the hall to offer any teenage assistance he could. We could hear Mr. P in the bathroom cussing and swatting at the yellow jacket (herein called wasps) with a towel. ‘Thwack……Thwack……..shit….shit…..THWACK…….’

He opened the door again (little bathroom that is HOT) and continued to undress. Son #2 is worried, I’m worried....I’m trying to determine how many stings he has, and as he reaches down and unlaces his boot, there’s a wasp resting on his foot. He gingerly steps into the tub to try to corrall the sucker, and it breaks FREE. Once again he’s yelling for me to shut the door!!! He’s wildly waving his towel around again, slinging sweat, profanities and trying to kill the offending wasp. I pull the door closed again, and ZING….I was stung on the neck, right below the chin. He’s yelling “where is it, where is it???”, and I’m trying to calmly explain that it’s out in the hall with me, stinging my neck. He yanks the bathroom door open again wielding his towel to protect his wife, and we couldn’t find the wasp. Soon, as he was disrobing some more, I realized it was DOWN MY NIGHTGOWN and trying to go into my armpit. I pull the top of the nightshirt away from my body and am mouthing to my son….”help….help” and he’s yelling to his dad “it’s still on Mom….” And Mr. P runs to the rescue. The little wasp flew off of my armpit/chestal area, and was immediately THWACKED and killed.

By this time, I could see angry red welts on his ankles, and his arm. He sat down on the toilet seat to take off his other boot, and lo and behold….there was a freaking wasp in his drawers and he SAT ON IT, thereby having his butt cheek stung. Hard. He jumped up and ran around the tiny bathroom some more…..I honestly think the judges of Dancing with the Stars would have been UBER impressed!!!!

He finally was undressed, all rogue wasps were dead, and he jumped into the shower to wash himself and the stings……..I’m sitting on the toilet waiting for him…I wasn’t going to leave him in there to go into anaphylactic SHOCK…….his poor butt cheek was on fire.

Ultimately we counted 11 stings on him, and one on me. He had one on his arm, one on his butt and the rest on his legs. Apparently he’d run over something or disturbed something as he was mowing. He couldn’t go back and move the mower, because the wasps were SWARMING the bag of the lawn mower…….so hopefully, we can get it out of the way today…….and get some spray!!

Happy Thursday!